Something to live for
by Phoenixian
Summary: He never expected the life, friends or chances he got, but is it better to lose everything or to never have had anything to lose? His world turned upside down, Remus is left to pick up the pieces of everything he's lost and find a new reason to survive.
1. Muggles

So this is the first of several short chapters from Lupin's point of view that will span from his fifth year of school to around the time of his death. Like I said, this story will stick to JKR's version of events cause that's how it's supposed to be, no offense to people who write stuff that is far out, I think you're brave to do that but I like to stick to JKR's story. Anyway, this story will have all kinds of things in it, that we hear about and not throughout the Harry Potter books that we want to hear more about like Lily finally becoming friends with the marauders and falling in love with James, also what happened to Lupin after he lost James, Lily, Peter and Sirius all in one day, he lost everything and how he and Tonks finally ended up getting together, and those are just some examples. I hope you keep reading, there will be updates regularly. I also love reviews.

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So this first chapter takes place the day before Lily, Snape and the marauders get on the Hogwarts express for their fifth year.

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He might not have recognized her if it hadn't been for the long, silky red hair. He had always known she was pretty but this was the first time that he had ever seen her wearing muggle clothes, or anything other than Hogwart's robes, at least the first time since they had been too young to pay attention to that kind of thing.

She swung through the door of the leaky cauldron wearing jeans, a t-shirt, high top converse sneakers identical to those he had seen in a muggle shop and a wide smile on her face, despite the person that came through the door on her heel.

Severus glanced around the dark room and seemed to shrink deeper into his oversized sweater, staring into every corner through his long sheet of greasy hair, as if hoping not to be recognized by anyone important.

He couldn't like Severus no matter how hard he tried, and he had tried. He knew exactly what it was like to be judged unfairly, to be seen as something evil when he was not, to be hated when he was guilty of no crime and so he could usually relate to others like himself, and maybe even like Severus Snape but this was a different case all together and for some reason he could not stop himself from hating the Slytherin, though he sometimes wondered in the back of his mind whether he had really given the other boy a chance or if he had just allowed his friends prejudices to pollute his own beliefs.

Lily's parents appeared in the doorway a moment later, looking just as bewildered as he was sure they had been five years before on their first foray into another world. He watched them curiously for a minute as they approached their daughter and her friend who took a step back as if they were contaminated, though the others didn't notice this action. He wondered if Severus had made the trip up with them and if so, how he had managed to keep as far away as possible from Lily's muggle parents. Her mother gave her a hand full of bills that was clearly muggle money, she pocketed it, then the couple embraced their daughter and retreated from the place.

Lily turned to watch her parents go and caught sight of him across the dark room. Her face lit up once again into a bright smile that was just for him and she said a few words to Severus before making her way in his direction. Her friend made to stop her, but was too late, his hand falling though empty air. Finally, Snape turned and settled himself low in a chair at one of the tables.

"Hey" Lily said brightly as she reached his end of the bar and he returned her greeting. " How was your summer?" he asked, thoughts on his own.

Lily grimaced and glanced back at Snape. " Not too bad I guess. But I'm awfully glad to be going back to school. You?"

He knew exactly what she meant. Personally his summer had been as horrible as usual, separated from his friends, forced to spend two long, awkward months with his over protective mother and the father that he hardly knew.

" I guess I cant complain" he told her, leaning back against the bar. Then he noticed the look on her face, that she was just making small talk to be polite and she would be quite content to get right to the point. He decided to help her out. " So you got it too didn't you?" he asked her. Lily's grin widened and she reached into the back pocket of her jeans and came up with the shining new prefects badge that was identical to the one that was stored up the stairs in his trunk.

"I thought it would be you" Lily told him, "But I didn't think I would be Dumbledore's first choice, thats for sure. So what are you up to?" she asked.

It was the question that he didn't want to answer, that would most likely have her off and running in a second. "I'm waiting" he told her simply, taking a deep swallow from the drink that he had briefly forgotten.

Lily's eyes narrowed and she pulled her hair around and over one shoulder, a habit that he had noticed a while back, when she was annoyed. "I should have known who you were waiting for" she said. "I don't know how you put up with them" she added, more of a question than a statement, honest curiosity as to how one of the quietest, most friendly boys in the year had ended up befriending troublemakers like James and Sirius. She hadn't been the first to ask. He felt a reminiscent smile cross his face and found that Lily was still waiting for an answer. "They were the first people who ever accepted me for who I really am" he replied lightly, honestly.

Lily had only one long moment to look surprised, eyebrows coming together as she considered his answer. Then the sound of at least two people pounding down the staircase next to which they were standing announced the arrival of James and Sirius, and probably Peter as well. Remus knocked back the last of his butterbeer and when he looked at Lily again he saw that her emerald eyes had gone flat, her face expressionless. She glanced around and he followed her gaze to Snape, who had moved to the door that led into the alley and was waiting for her there. Mary Macdonald was also there, obviously waiting for Lily, not wanting to interrupt her and clearly, as she offered Snape a sideways glance, not wanting to get to close to Lily's other friend. "So I guess I'll see you in the prefects compartment on the train tomorrow" Lily said, offering him a last weak smile.

She looked slightly trapped as he said goodbye and she made to exit before she had to see his friends, crossing the floor too quickly and nearly knocking over a pile of plates that was floating in the air in front of her, making it's way to the kitchen. She just managed to step out of the way when she saw the dishes coming at her, but she was still too late to make her escape unseen. Remus saw his friends appear at the bottom of the stairs and James' eyes locked onto Lily as they always did.

"Hey, Evans" James called, waving an arm in the air to get her attention. Lily looked back briefly at the wrong moment, causing her to trip over a broom that was sweeping the floor. She caught herself on the back of a chair and straightened up, crimson rising in her cheeks that was visible even through the dark, smoggy bar.

"Hey Evans, You have a good holiday?" James tried again. Lily didn't look back as she raised a hand over her head and waved away his question as if he was an irritating insect, then she disappeared out the door in pursuit of her friends.

"Tough luck mate" Sirius said for what Remus was sure was the hundredth time. He was just glad that the other's had been too focused on Lily to see her greasy, hook-nosed Slytherin friend hovering behind her.

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Don't forget to review and give me a suggestion or two for a name for this story though I think it might just be too early to pick one. Cheers to all my readers:)


	2. Dungbombs and rain

This chapter is almost a year later, about a week after James attacks Snape and Snape calls Lily a mudblood.

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"We need your help."

Lupin paused in his reading and looked up reluctantly from the book on the table as James and Sirius slid into the vacant seats across from him. He gave a resigned sigh, marked his page and turned his attention to his friends. "What is it this time? Did you blow something up in a fit of end of term spirit? Set fire to the forest? Get caught nicking Angela Seaborn's knickers again? Attack another Slytherin?"

James pulled a mock afronted look and elbowed Sirius in the ribs. " And why would you think we would do any of those things? Who do you think we are Moony?"

Remus shook his head. "Just listing the events that have previously brought you to seek my help in getting you out of trouble."

Sirius grinned. " You know, I didn't think they could line up detentions for the next year like that."

"You didn't"

"Oh yes" James said. "McGonagall was livid. Seems to think were troublemakers." he said, sounding truly shocked, hand over his heart.

"You mind telling me what you did?"

"Innocent until proven guilty mate."

"Right. Spit it out."

Sirius launched himself into the story. " So we thought that we ought to leave something for Filch so he won't forget about us over the next couple months..."

"Just wait for seventh year" James threw in. " We have to think of a truly wonderful parting gift for him then." Remus threw him a look that he hoped conveyed that he was going to pretend that he hadn't heard that and returned his attention to Sirius.

"So we set of some dung bombs... or a lot of dungbombs, in one of the corridors... or as many os we could get to before we got caught. But we'd used up the load by the time they found us and they can't really know it was us, we might have just been in the wrong place at the wrong time" he complained. James nodded his fervent agreement.

Remus stared at his friends for several minutes, picked up his book, found his place and returned to reading. His friends continued to stare at him until it was quite clear that he was ignoring them.

"Hey"

"Hey Moony, yoohoo!"

Madam Pince appeared out of nowhere, glaring down her hooked nose at them through her beady little eyes. She took in Sirius and James and her eyes narrowed wickedly.

"I heard what you lot are up to!" she shrieked, her voice rising far above the level of noise that she usually allowed in the library. "I won't have you setting off dungbombs in my library, oh no! Get out! Out!"

The corridor outside was swarming with students. Without classes they had nothing to do and it was far too wet and rainy to spend the last few days of classes outdoors. In fact, as they passed a window they could see that it was positively pouring outdoors, so hard that they could not even make out Hagrid's hut or the forbidden forest through the downpour.

"Glad the Quidditch season is over" James commented, "Wouldn't go out in that for anything."

They turned to make their way down another corridor and were nearly stampeded by a group of first years coming from the other direction with their robes pulled up over their faces. "Wouldn't go that way" one of them squeaked at the older students, "Someone's set off a dungbomb down there" and he hurried off after his friends. James and Sirius grinned at each other as they changed course, cutting through a secret passage of stairs that was hidden behind a door that was pretending to be part of the wall. They came out on the first floor across from the great hall.

"Anyway" James said, "Speaking of dungbombs, it's like we said. We need your help."

"And what is it that you expect me to be able to help you with?" Remus asked, shifting his book bag to his other shoulder.

"Well we thought you could talk to McGonagall, get her to let us off easy. You've got pull with her."

Remus gave a hollow laugh. "Sorry, but my pulls run out. Last time I got you off easy for what you did to Snape, she told me not to try it again cause she's had enough. And I have no intention of joining you in these detentions. How many did she dish out?"

"Undetermined. As many as she sees fit" Sirius told him, looking dejected and scuffing his shoe on the floor. "She's going to have us scrubbing bedpans without magic or something." They all pulled faces.

"Hey Evans!"

He followed James' line of sight to see Lily coming out of the great hall. She didn't look around or acknowledge the greeting at all as she made her way across the entrance hall and out the the doors into the pouring rain.

"Where is she going?" James asked, bewildered at anyone's desire to go out in such weather. Sirius shrugged and James was off after her, pushing the door open so that they could see out without getting drenched. They could just make out Lily standing perfectly still a few yards away. He felt James give him a nudge and turned to look at his friend. "What?"

"Well you have to go talk to her, see what's wrong."

"Why don't you go talk to her?"

"Well she hates me, doesn't she. But she likes you. Go on then."

"Fine".

He pulled the hood of his cloak up over his head, knowing full well that it would do nothing to keep him dry, offered his friend one last glare and took a step out into the rain. A second later and he was soaked to the bone.

"You know the lake would be faster."

Lily jumped. "What do you mean?"

"If your trying to drown yourself. The lake would be faster."

"Gee thanks."

"What are you _doing_ out here?"

"What are _you_ doing out here?"

"James was worried about you."

Lily gave a small sarcastic laugh. He raised his hand and motioned to the door where they could see James' head leaning around the frame, watching them.

"Don't know why he cares" she said, annoyed. "He should be happy." She kicked a foot and sent dirt and pebbles flying.

He guessed what was wrong. "Is this about Snape?"

"Foul, evil little toad" she muttered. She was right, James would be happy.

"He called you a mudblood." Remus recognized the fury in his own voice as he remembered that day, at his friends for provoking Snape, at himself for not stepping in, but mostly just at Snape, for opening his mouth. "I'm sorry."

She sighed and her breath came out in a cloud. It was far too horrible of weather for June.

"Now he keeps apologizing, apologizing, apologizing. He won't leave me alone. I can't be friends with him anymore, I can't do it, he hates everything that I am. And the people he hangs out with... I can't support that." Lily shivered. "We should go back inside." She turned to make her way to the door. James was still watching them. "He is persistent, isn't he?" she commented, eyebrows raised.


	3. The map and the cloak

This chapter takes place somewhere between the middle and the end of their sixth year, a short time before Lily stops hating James' guts.

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They had grown some since they had last used the cloak altogether. Remus tried to stay in a low crouch as they maneuvered the corridors, keeping their ankles and feet hidden. It made it quite a bit more difficult what with Peter holding the map up to his nose so as to see it properly in the dim light. Sirius was bent low behind him, one hand on the smaller boys shoulder in order to keep him going in the right direction. They cut behind a tapestry and up a concealed staircase and came out two floors below the Gryffindor common room.

Peter suddenly came to an abrupt halt, stepping down on James' foot. Sirius knocked into him from behind and Remus tugged on the cloak to keep it from sliding off their heads.

James swore loudly and snatched the map from Peter's hand. " What?" he snapped impatiently. But a moment later it was quite clear what. Lily Evans came around the corner, still dressed in the clothing that she had been wearing the previous day, just as they were, her hair tucked back behind her ears her wand held out in their direction."Who's there?" she demanded in a loud whisper. "I heard you. Show yourself."

The four of them glanced at each other as Lily turned on the spot, unsure. A moment later James had wiped the map clean, shoved it in his pocket and stepped out from beneath the cloak. Sirius' mouth fell open but he said nothing as they stood watching. Lily turned back, noticed James.

"What are you doing out here Potter?" She glanced at her watch. " It's past three a.m."

James shrugged with his usual air, somewhere between defiance and indifference. He ran his hand through his hair, bringing out his trademark windswept look. He leaned casually against the wall.

" I would ask you the same thing."

Remus noticed a flush rising in Lily's cheeks. "I happen to be a prefect!" she said in a lofty voice, crossing her arms and glaring at him. " It's my job to do night patrols to catch people like you who have no business being out this late."

James gave a long suffering sigh and pushed away from the wall. "Do you really think that I'm that stupid?" he asked her.

Remus could have told James what her answer was going to be. Lily gave a small smile. "As a matter of fact..."But James cut her off.

"I happen to know that Remus is not on Patrol tonight, and as you do the patrols together... well, you know. Also, no prefect duties have ever run this late before, short of some sort of disaster and I also happen to know..." he said, holding up a finger as she opened her mouth to say something. " That you have been spending a great deal of time with one Lee White of Ravenclaw and that you have been sneaking out late at night to visit with him." He finished and lowered his hand. The color in Lily's cheeks became more pronounced, her eyes narrowing.

Remus felt Sirius' elbow jab into his ribcage and he waved his hand to keep him quiet, if he was caught with his friends he would certainly not be able to claim prefect duties. And if anyone found the cloak they would never get away with anything ever again.

The response Lily gave was certainly not what any of them had been expecting.

"Jealous?":she asked, offering another small smile. Sirius shoved his fist in his mouth to stop from laughing aloud and Remus turned his head to see that Peter's mouth was agape.

James' relaxed demeanor was gone.

And then the sound of a cat meowing from around their ankles. They all jumped and looked down to see staring between the James and Lily and the rest of them hidden beneath the cloak and then she hurried around the corner and was gone.

"You know you'll be in as much trouble as me when Filch shows up." James said lightly. "Filch knows you shouldn't be out here tonight, and he's probably already caught that clumsy oaf you're dating."

Lily wasn't paying attention. The sound of footsteps and Filch crooning to his cat as he hurried in their direction came to their ears. Lily was never gotten a detention in her life kind of wide eyed, her body tensed as if she wanted to run, knowing that it was too late to escape.

"He;s getting closer" James said, more than accustomed to getting caught at things he was not allowed to be doing. Remus "I could help you, you know."

"What are you talking about?" she demanded, desperate.

"You'd have to promise not to tell anyone ever, for any reason."

"Fine" she said in a flustered whisper. James grinned. Another minute and Filch would be on them. Remus was astonished to see James leading Lily over to where his friends were hidden. He reached out, fumbled in the air for a moment and found the edge of the cloak, pulling it up so that she could see them all, standing huddled together, bent at the knees to keep their feet hidden. Lily might have had a chance to look astonished, or maybe impressed at the treasure that James had in his possession, but James had already pushed her in among them, Remus offered her a guilty smile.

"Theirs no more room" Sirius whispered. "He'll see us if we try."

The cat appeared around the corner, James dropped the cloak, checking the bottom to make sure their feet were hidden and straightened up just as Filch appeared, looking positively delighted to have caught James Potter at it again. He glanced around suspiciously as if expecting to see someone else. "What are you doing?" he snapped, barely able to contain his glee. James shrugged. " Fancied a stroll" he replied. Filch's eyes popped. Remus felt Lily shift against him but he couldn't see her face.

"Well i've got you now Potter, your in big trouble. You heard what McGonagall said last time you were caught sneaking. This'll be a month of detentions for you won't it.?"

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It was an hour before the portrait hole swung open and James appeared looking dejected and exhausted. He slouched across the room and collapsed in a chair in front of the roaring fire. Remus knew what was coming. He followed Sirius and Peter to the couch across from their friend. "So what happened?" Peter asked tentatively after a few minutes of no one speaking. James sighed and rubbed his hands over his face.

"He took the map." They all gasped. Peter clapped his hand to his mouth. Remus felt disappointment flow through him. So much time working on that stupid map, just to lose it. Not that they hadn't gotten some good use out of it.

"He didn't know what it was. He just took it, said it was suspicious and stuck it in that stupid drawer with the fanged frisbees and nose biting tea cups." He scowled into the flames.

"Then what?"

"Then he took me to McGonagall's office. She was furious. And she knew I couldn't have been out alone, but she couldn't prove it of course and I wasn't about to say anything so she gave me a months worth of detentions, just like Filch said."

"Doing what?"

James snorted. " I don;'t know. Probably scrubbing everything in the castle without magic." He shuddered and they fell silent again. Their little excursion hardly seemed to be worth the trouble anymore, the loss of the precious map. Remus sighed, it would make full moons more difficult for his friends to join him.

Soft footsteps sounded on the stairs and they all jerked their heads around. Lily appeared at the bottom looking self conscious in shorts and a baggy t-shirt.

"Hi" she said awkwardly.

Remus got the hint almost immediately but the others didn't seem too. He was forced to nudge Sirius to his feet and away from the fire, dragging Peter by the collar of his shirt, leaving James on his own. Lily watched them until they were out of sight but even he couldn't resist stopping at the foot of the stairs and listening in, Sirius beside him with his fist in his mouth again.

"I just wanted to say thanks."

He could almost hear James shrug. "It was nothing."

"Are you in an awful lot of trouble?"

"Well of course MacGonagall wasn't too happy. I got a few detentions, nothing major" he said, his usual confidence coming out in his voice but for once, Lily didn't seem to notice or mind.

"I'm sorry about that.."

There was a smile in James' voice. "Don't worry about it."

"But where did you get that cloak?" she asked.

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Don't forget to review. I LOVE reviews! I welcome suggestions, criticism, encouragement, whatever, keep 'em coming. Happy wednesday!


	4. Full moon

This is at the start of the seventh year, september or october. R&R

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"Oh there you are Mr. Lupin. You've given us all quite a fright." Remus jerked awake, his head coming up off his book, a page sticking, ripping from the spine. He pulled it from his face and reattached it, embarased. He looked up to find McGonagall standing over him, looking flustered. He could just see James, Sirius and Peter peering in their direction across the common room, pretending to be submersed in their work. There was no one else in sight.

"So?"

He refocused his attention on the deputy headmistress, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"So what?"

She tried not to look infuriated by his answer. Ignoring it all together she gestured towards the window, where the setting sun was visible on the horizon.

"Madam Pomfrey is waiting for you downstairs. Hurry up now" and she turned and harried through the portrait hole, shaking her head as she passed the others, obviously still angry about their last round of detentions. Remus lept lightly to his feet, stretched and crossed the room, tracing McGonagall's footsteps.

"Were you planning on waking me?" he grumbled as he passed his friends. "We would have done" Sirius called after him. " You underestimate us, you know."

He shook his head and sent his friends a rude hand gesture.

Madam Pomfrey stood waiting with professor McGonagall in the entrance hall. They both looked cross and impatient as he approached them, eyeing the clock and the door nervously.

"You know this really isn't necessary" he said. "I can make it on my own after all this time. Madam Pomfrey snorted. "Clearly" she said sarcastically.

"After tonight I should think not" McGonagall added, reminding him that it had been she who had had to wake him in time to avert the horrors that could have taken place. If only his friends had thought to do it.

The grounds were growing darker as he hurried behind Madam Pomfrey towards the womping willow. As they reached it turned to make sure that nobody was watching as Madam Pomfrey froze the tree. She felt her hand on his arm and turned back. "Good Luck" she said awkwardly, looking concerned. She stood watching him until he had entered the hole and then he turned and watched her make her way back up to the castle. Any minute and James and the others would be making their way down under the invisibility cloak. he hoped they didn't run into McGonagall on their way.

As always the shrieking shack was dusty and depressing, giving him a claustrophobic feeling as the sent of mold and neglect reached him. He couldn't help but hate this place, even though it had done nothing but shelter him and protect everyone else. He didn't light his wand, not wanting to see the outcome of his last visit to the place, destroyed furniture and walls, matted hair and blood, he knew it was there and that was already too much that he didn't want to see it on his own. He sat down on the bottom step leading to the second floor. He had no idea why there was a second floor, or furniture. The railing next to him had a distinctive impression in it as if it had been nawed on by a very large dog. He could make it out even in the dark as his eyes adjusted, bringing up shadows and debris.

All that he could do was wait.

It seemed like at least an hour before he heard sounds from nearby, though it could have only been ten minutes. Voices echoed in the tunnel, the others were excited for their monthly adventure.

"What if he's changed already?" Peter was asking, nervous as always. He couldn't make out James' reply but it was Sirius' bark like laughter that came next.

James' head appeared around the corner followed by his wand. The light hit Remus' eyes, making black dots in his vision. "Moony?" James called.

He kept telling them to be more careful but they never listened. if he had been transformed they would have already been dead. He didn't bother to say it again as it would have come to nothing. James caught sight of him on the stairs and stepped out, followed by his friends.

"So were sticking to the agreed upon plan?" Sirius asked to be sure, rubbing his hands together excitedly. James nodded fervently and Peter continued to watch them, always frightened.

"Are you sure?" Remus asked, voicing his doubts. "I mean, it was all good before but after what nearly happened last time. Dp you remember that?" he shuddered.

James laughed and nocked him on the shoulder. "Do you?. Look we'll be extra careful, no need to ruin all the fun, and that old bloke wouldn't have been much of a loss anyway."

He sounded much more cavalier than Remus would have liked but he could remember how James had been in the days after the incident and thought that his friend understood just how close they had come. "Don't worry, alright? And I think we still have a few minutes" he announced, glancing down at his watch.

Very suddenly, he felt a tremor tear up his spine. "Transform. Now!" he shouted at his friends. His hands and feet were elongating, he could feel the claws extending, the hair growing from every part of his body. Pain tore through him, forcing him to bend, his back becoming arched. His teeth were longer, sharper, everything became clearer. A snarl ripped from his throat unconsciously.

A stag, a dog and a rat took the places of his friends. They watched him silently, accustomed to seeing his own, more difficult transformation. He felt himself slipping away slowly, replaced by the werewolf and then just anger and a burning desire for human flesh and blood, a warm body between his claws, between his jaws. And then the giant, shaggy black dog was herding him. He had to fight to remember who the dog was, it was his friend. It was Sirius. The stag was behind him, he had lost sight of the rat.

And then he was running, the others beside him. Cold wind blew through his fur coat, the moon above was not quite as frightening as it had always seemed. The ground blurred beneath his feet, color and light flashing past him and for a long time he forgot the hunger and the pain and the fear.

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There was no light to wake him, no windows to let in the day but he found his eyes opening all the same, his watch reading five a.m. The sun would indeed be rising outside.

The bed beneath was not uncomfortable, but nothing like his bed up at the school and as he turned and rolled off, up onto his feet, a great cloud of dust came billowing off the blankets. That was how it was when you made use of something only once a month, the second floor was dustier even than the first.

He took a moment to check out his injuries. They were better even than usual , much better than before his friends had learned to transform. He could feel a faint bruise developing along his jaw. He could tell that he had clawed himself himself, three shallow, bloody wounds across his torso and he obviously spent some time chewing on his arm but he was sure that his friends had stopped him both times, leading to minimal damage. Other than that all he felt was stiff and tired from the long night and the long run. He was exhausted and he doubted his ability to attend any classes that day.

He found that his cloak had been draped over the end of the bed and pulled it on over his bare chest and shoulders. His eyes once again adjusted to the the never ending gloom in the house, he could see the giant dog curled up in corner, the first dog he had ever met that snored. As always, Padfoot reached up a large bag paw and scratched his ear with it, whining in his sleep.

The stag looked perfectly comfortable laying on an old blanket at the far end of the room, the rat sharing a corner of it. Remus crossed to them and shook the stag by an antler. It's eyes flickered open, and then it was James again, yawning and stretching. Remus made his way over to wake Sirius as James picked Peter up by the tail and send him flying through the air onto the bed where he became his flustered human counterpart once again. Remus shook the dogs great big hairy shoulder. Sirius growled deep and low. Then James stepped up and offered his friend a nice kick in the ribs. Sirius groaned, no longer an animal. "Oi, what was that for?" earning a shrug and a smirk. He held up his hand and Remus helped him to his feet. The three other boys looked him over for a moment.

"You know, for a minute there I thought you might have chewed off one of your arms but it seems alright" James said, appraising the arm in question.

"Anything go wrong last night that I might not remember?" Remus asked. He was still haunted by the risks of what they were doing, for himself, for the townspeople and students, nut mostly for his friends. If he was ever to attack any of them they would die, and if they survived it would only be to get expelled and in trouble with the ministry. And it would be his fault, and yet every month he managed to convince himself to take the risk, as foolish as it was, and he knew that he would do it again the next month, and the one after that.

"Well, we'd better get out of here. I expect Pomfrey will be showing up soon."

Remus didn't want them to leave him here again but he knew that they had maybe twenty minutes to a half hour before Madam Pomfrey came to get him and if they wanted to get out undiscovered they would have to leave.

He followed them to the bottom of the stairs with their his wand lit, then watched as they disappeared into the tunnel, calling back to him as they went. "See you in an hour!" and their cheerful laughter echoed back to him. Sometimes he wondered how they could be friends with him. From the first day of school when he had sat down at the Gryffindor table in the great hall, nervous but excited, afraid and overwhelmed, they had become his friends and even his being a monster had not changed that. He owed them everything and nothing just like in all true friendships. They cared about him and he about them despite everything. He knew exactly where his real life had started.

He sat down on the bottom step. "Knox:" he said and the room went dark. He flinched as the fabric of his cloak rubbed against his wounds. Pomfrey would be there any minute. There was nothing lwft to do but wait.


	5. Another day

So this is probably the first time I've ever written a chapter during the day instead of at like two in the morning but I can't do that tonight as I have to be up early to catch the ferry. I have a feeling that I'm a better writer super late though. We'll see how it goes. R&R. This chapter is also in the seventh year, sometime in the winter, obviously.

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He wasn't exactly surprised to see James and Lily's desks empty when he walked into transfiguration. The couple had been together for a little over a month and the change that had come over Lily was astounding, James influence meaning that she skipped classes, forgot to do homework and often overlooked bad behavior by the younger students and the marauders, not that Remus could say anything. For years he had been the master of letting James get away with whatever his friend wanted. Sometimes he still wondered why James had been made head boy. He couldn't see the reasoning but he wasn't bitter or jealous either. He hadn't expected to be made prefect in the fifth year and so when the badge had come that had been enough for him.

Sirius and Peter both offered shrugs when he asked if they had seen the other two. He saw McGonagall's eyes roving the heads of the students, settling on the places where James and Lily ought to be. She caught his eye and he followed his friends lead. Shrug.

The class seemed much longer than it really was, the hands of the clock moving so slowly that he would have sworn they had been bewitched. Snow gathered on the window ledge outside, blocking the view of the raging storm. He ignored Peter's attempt to engage him in their note passing, his eyes glazing over as he stared up at the teacher, giving her the impression that he was listening to what she was saying about NEWTS. On another day he might have written down the finer points of her lecture but he found he was far too restless and bored to care much.

Finally, the class ended. Remus gathered up his books and followed Sirius to the door.

"I wonder why they skived off the lesson" Peter was saying.

"I expect they'll be at lunch" Sirius reassured him.

The great hall was crowded with students who were unable to take their food outside due to the nasty weather. They elbowed their way through a large group of first years in order to find seats together, checking up and down the table for their friends, but not seeing them. Remus spooned steaming soup into three dishes and passed them around. They ate in silence for several minutes until Mary Macdonald appeared, sliding into the space beside Sirius, nudging an unfortunate second year out of his seat.

"It's okay" the boy muttered, as if anyone was listening. "I was done eating." Remus watched him scurry off before returning to his food.

He looked up to see his friend smirking at Mary. She was doing her best to ignore him.

"Have you lot seen Lily?"

"No. James is gone as well. Their holed up somewhere together I 'spect."

She grimaced. "Oh well. Have you heard about Lee's parents?"

They all shook their heads no. Remus felt a familiar sense of dread rise in his gut.

"Well they've disappeared. Not even a dark mark over their house, they've just gone. Lee's older brother Benjy is fighting you know who, you know. Thats probably why they were taken. You know who wants information about what Dumbledore is up too." Her voice was lowered in a mock whisper that had carried down the table. Other students were listening, exchanging their own whispers and looks. Lee wasn't the first one to lose family members, nor would she be the last.

Mary continued. "McGonagall pulled her out of our potions class this morning to tell her. It was dreadful. I think she blames her brother for it, but he's all the family she's got left now."

Remus felt his eyes stray to the Slytherin table. He knew it was stupid, but the students their looked rather pleased with themselves, as if they too had heard the news. He had to stop stereotyping.

Mary flipped her dark hair over her shoulder and stood.

"How about next Hogsmead weekend?" Sirius asked her. Mary blushed. "Fine" she said on a sigh and hurried away, out of the great hall. He was surprised how little the bad news had phased her, as if it had nothing to do with her at all. He had lost his appetite. Lowering his spoon to his dish he glanced up at the staff table instead. The teachers were in deep discussion with one another up and down the row, their heads bent together for privacy. As he watched, Dumbledore's head came up and their eyes met briefly. The headmaster looked incredibly sad as he turned back to McGonagall.

After lunch they headed up to their dormitory to switch out books for the afternoon classes. He was exhausted, the day seemed to have gone on forever and yet it was only half over. Peter reached the door ahead of the other two and turned the knob but it wouldn't budge. "It's locked" he said, as if this was an impassible issue. Remus felt Sirius' elbow in his ribs again and found himself smirking. He raised a fist and knocked on the heavy door. The scuffling that came from inside the room in response was just as he had expected.

"Just a minute!" he heard his friends voice shout out. He heard a bang and Lily laughing and then the door opened, framing James, in a pair of sweat, bare chested.

"Oh. It's just you lot." He glanced over his shoulder. Remus could see Lily pulling a t-shirt over her head. "Who were you expecting?" James shrugged.

Sirius pushed past him, into the room, dumping his book bag on the floor. "So what have you two been up to this morning?" he inquired of the red head who blushed a deep crimson and sat down hard on James' bed. "None of your business!" she snapped, making Sirius snigger.

James crossed the floor as if his friends weren't there, and kissed his girlfriend, flopping back down on his mattress, hands behind his head.

"So?" James asked finally. "What's the plan for tuesday?"

"Prongs" Sirius said warningly, glancing at Lily. She looked up, confused. James raised himself to an elbow, looking at Remus.

"She already knows mate. And I didn't tell her, I swear" he hurried on. Could it be true?

Remus glanced at Lily instead as she caught on to what they were talking about. Her emerald eyes were apologetic. "I've known since third year" she admitted, not breaking eye contact.

She had known for years and yet she had still sought him out, befriended him even when she hated the other marauders, worked with him, talked to him, laughed with him. On his first day of school he had believed that no one would like him because of what he was and yet he had found four people at least who knew, and cared about him despite the fact. Lucky.


	6. Voldemort rising

This chapter was originally longer and had more content but then my computer shut off when I had like one more sentence to go and I hadn't saved any of it which is probably the most frustrating thing ever. Ya, I know I'm an idiot for not saving, that doesn't make it any less annoying. So I'm just pissed, it's super late and I hope you all enjoy this chapter. Don't forget to review.

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"The headmaster wishes to see you, Mr. Lupin" McGonagall informed him as she swept past the Gryffindor table on her way to her own hot meal. Remus groaned and glanced up at the staff table but Dumbledore was nowhere to be seen. McGonagall caught his eye and made a gesture as if to hurry him up. Wonderful.

He was starving. The marauders had missed breakfast that morning, held up by Peeves and he had had no time at all for lunch, needing to study.

"Save me some food" he ordered his friends as he stood, but they barely acknowledged his request over the tops of their books as they shoveled food absently down their throats. They had only just begun to study, the realization of the proximity of their NEWT exams only just setting in, whereas Remus himself had been at it for months. Though he was certain that James and Sirius would pull through just fine despite their lack of studying, as clever as they were, he was sorry for Peter who was doomed to always fall beneath them.

The smells of roast chicken, hot soups and fresh breads followed him from the great hall and down the empty corridors as he made his way to the headmasters office. Those younger students who weren't at dinner and had no need or desire to spend hours studying had taken to the grounds, the anticipation of summer hanging over their heads.

Remus was not so eager for the school year to end, exams or no exams. Seven years had certainly prepared him, but for what? There would be no job at the ministry for him as there would have been for anyone else with his initiative, his intelligence and his grades. He was a monster and that was all anyone needed to hear. He might have friends and family, but he certainly had no future.

He reached the stone gargoyle just as it leapt aside and the red headed girl collided with him, her books tumbling from her arms to the floor. instinctively he reached out and grabbed her arms to stop her from joining them on the floor just as he realized who it was. Lily cursed loudly and bent to retrieve her property. When she straightened up again, however, she was smiling.

"Meeting with the headmaster?" she asked. Her emerald eyes were gleaming with excitement, and she could barely conceal the electric energy that was bubbling beneath her skin. She knew something. He felt his curiosity mounting. He nodded. "Good Luck!" Lily winked and took off up the corridor in the direction that he had come.

"Enter" the familiar voice called in response to his knock, the large wooden door swinging open of it's own accord. The room was dimly lit, a crackling fireplace the only source of light. He could see Fawkes on his perch, the birds eyes watching him as he crossed the floor. He couldn't help but feel guilty in this room, despite his innocence.

"You wished to see me, headmaster?"

Dumbledore was seated and he too was watching Remus, his eyes fixed on his guest from behind the half moon spectacles, his fingers intertwined in front of him, his long silver beard sparkling even in the half light. He smiled and gestured to the seat across from him. "Ms. Evans and I were just having tea. Would you care for some?"

"No. Thank you."

"You are wondering why I have asked you here." It was not a question. The older mans eyes seemed to see right through him.

The headmaster stood, crossing to the window and turning his back on Remus and the office.

"Have you decided what you will do once you have left this school?" his voice was thoughtful and far away but Remus could not lie to him.

"There is nothing for me, I can't get a job, no one would have me."It was the truth and yet he found himself staring down at his hands. Would Dumbledore be disappointed that after everything he had done, all the rules that been bent to allow Remus to attend Hogwarts, that it had all been for nothing?

"Wizards can be quite cruel, even to their own" Dumbledore said on a sigh.

"You have heard of course that Lord Voldemort has been gaining power and followers over the last, lets say seven years?" he didn't wait for confirmation before continuing. Remus was surprised at the sudden shift in conversation but said nothing.

"I am sure you have heard of those he has gathered beneath him. Trolls, giants, dementors, to name a few... and of course werewolves."

Remus' head came up sharply. "I wouldn't... I don't...No" he spluttered. Why would Dumbledore think... The headmaster turned. "Oh, no my dear boy. It is just a question."

He let out a breath. "Yes, I know. Fenrir Greyback has joined him." He felt his fists clench and his breathing grow faster. If the older man noticed he did not let on.

"I'm afraid that that particular rumor has been confirmed. I am inclined to fear for the children of those who anger Voldemort." He sighed again."Have you heard of the Order of the Phoenix?"

The name was familiar, an organisation. He had heard it before. Radio, paper, conversation? Yes. "They were fighting you know...Voldemort. Their all dead."

Dumbledore chuckled. "Not quite. We are just taking a different approach so that that very thing does not occur. We are still around, and gaining in number too, though we have lost some. We operate out of basements and hidey holes mostly. We hunt Voldemorts followers, offer protection to those who need it and gather useful information." He was watching Remus with a look of interest on his face. Remus felt something go off in his head. "Your offering me a job?"

This made Dumbledore smile."You have always been exceptionally bright." he paused." This would not be like any other jobs that you might find. There is no desk or cushy reputation, there is no glory. Members do what they must to protect wizards and muggles alike. They risk their lives and the lives of their friends and families for any opportunity to hinder Voldemort, to take out one of his followers, to get us what we need to know. You might say... for the greater good?"

The mood in the room lightened considerably and they both leaned back in their chairs.

"The job is yours if you want it."

He didn't need time to think, his mind already made up. What job was more worthy? Besides, he had no other options.

"Seven years ago you gave me a chance that I would never have had. Everything between then and now I owe to you. I would willingly lay down my life if it meant bringing about Voldemorts downfall, I will do everything that I you."

Dumbledore smiled again, but more sadly, as if he had almost hoped that Remus would turn down the offer. He said nothing.

"Thats why Lily was here too wasn't it?" Remus asked finally, breaking the silence, picturing the excitement on the girls face.

"Yes. Lily is also an exceptionally quick and clever student. She will be an asset to the Order, as of course you will be. She was particularly interested. I am sure you are aware that she is muggle born and has an invested interest in the amount of power Voldemort gains.""Who else?"

"I assume you are asking whether you are permitted to share what has been said with your friends. I ask that you refrain from doing so for the time being. I shall talk to them once they have finished their first exam, I guessed that they might need every spare moment to study." His eyes were twinkling. Remus pictured his friends at the dinner table, noses jammed in books. He nodded.

"Well, at least we can assume that the students and teachers will be safe from any major pranks that might otherwise have taken place, at least until the end of term for which I am sure, your friends have something extra special planned for all of us." He chuckled. Remus grinned. "We need something for people to remember us by" he said with a shrug.

"I will pretend that I didn't hear that. This place will be exceptionally quiet next year I'm afraid."


	7. Blood and burning

"Last exam ever!"

Lupin felt Sirius' hands clap down on his shoulders before his friend slid in between him and James. The excitement in the great hall had reached an all time high. Four hours and the seventh years would be finished.

"I'm gonna miss quidditch" James said with a sigh, selecting a piece of toast and smothering it with butter. Sirius made a face. "And..." James added, motioning in the direction of the Slytherin table "that."

Remus looked in the direction that he was indicating, picking Severus out of the group instantly, recognizing the long, rather greasy hair even from behind. Peter hovered not far off, wand in his hand, with an extremely shifty look on his face as he waited for the all clear to proceed, not that it would matter if a teacher were to see, it was a mere three days before they left the school forever.

Sirius was chuckling but Remus frowned.

"I vividly remember several incidences in which you swore to Lily that you would stop cursing Snape."

James nodded. "And I'm keeping my promise this time, aren't I? You don't see me over there."

"Ya right, like he decided to go over there all by himself. You know Lily's too smart for that." He pulled a plate of bacon across the table and picked through the selection.

"Why do they always over cook everything?" he asked with a grimace.

James laughed. "Cause not everyone has a penchant for raw meat like you do." Remus ignored him.

"So whens the big night?" Sirius asked, voice lowered.

James shrugged. "Plan is night after next. We'll go out with a real bang that Hogwarts will not soon forget. We'll be the stuff of legends." A dreamy look crossed his face.

Remus rolled his eyes.

"Snape's leaving" he informed his friends indifferently. James cursed loudly, earning several dirty looks from a group of girls nearby, and they watched as Snape stood and swept from the hall with a small group of friends. Looking disappointed, Peter began to make his way back to his own house table.

"Probably would have screwed it up anyway" Sirius said through a mouthful of cereal.

"We'll get him later" James told Peter consolingly as he reached the table. "Don't worry about it."

"Don't worry about what?"

James choked on his toast and they all turned to find Lily standing just behind them, looking suspicious. "Lily" he said finally. "I was wondering where you had got too."

Her eyes narrowed. James' guilty reaction was to much for him to pass off as innocent. "Don't worry about what?" she demanded, her voice clipped.

"Oh, I was just telling Peter not to worry about...um..."

"The exam" Remus filled in quickly. "Peter was worried about the rest of our exam this afternoon. " James threw him a grateful glance.

"Ya. Wormtail hates potions. Don't you Wormtail?" The smaller boy nodded fervently.

"Ya right" Lily said, but she let it go, allowing James to pull her down beside him and slide his arm posessively around her waist. "I missed you" he told her, leaning close.

"Whatever" she said, rolling her eyes and helping herself to his lunch. Remus grinned as Sirius made a gagging gesture.

So" Lily said, lowering her voice and glancing around at the other students, who were paying them no attention whatsoever. "Any ideas what exactly we'll be doing for the order?"

****

"Remus! Get down!"

He dropped, knees scraping the concrete, hand sinking into flesh. A fallen death eater. He felt a rush of air as a jet of light streaked over his head, missing him by millimeters, ruffling his hair.

"Move!"

It was too late. He heard the explosion before he felt it, the spell having hit the building behind him. Burning rubble flew through the air and he was thrown from his crouched position, landing on a smoking wooden plank several feet away, the wind knocked out of him. Black dots filled his vision and his head exploded with pain. He groaned and accepted the hand that was being held out to him.

Lily was in worse shape even than he was. Covered in soot and blood, her clothes were torn and her hair was singed.

"Are you alright?" she called over the sounds of battle that reverberated through the air around them.

"Are you?"

Lily grinned, lifting a hand to wipe away the blood that was threatening to drip into her eye, smearing even more dirt onto her face. "I'm great."

Remus shook his head in disbelief, pushing her out of the way as Sirius came barreling past them in pursuit of one of the death eaters. "No time for chatting!" he called to them in passing, his laughter drifting back as he disappeared into the smoke from the fire.

"He _would _take his shirt off" Lily said, brushing hair from her face, laughing too. A second later her expression changed and she tore away to rejoin the battle.

It was James he saw next, battling six death eaters alongside Frank and Alice. Remus jumped in quickly, adrenaline beating back the exhaustion and pain that he was feeling.

"Have you seen Lily?" James called, hitting one of the death eaters square in the face with a quick curse. The large man keeled over, nearly crushing one of his companions.

"Ya, she's fine. She was actually enjoying herself" he replied. "A little too much I should think."

James grinned. "And Sirius?"

"Laughing like a maniac, chasing after a mask. Haven't seen Peter though."

"Hey!" They turned. Alice was putting up a good fight against a dark haired woman that looked vaguely familiar. "Is that Sirius' cousin?"

"Is all this fighting getting in the way of your conversation?" Frank asked as he flashed passed towards his wife, curses flying over his shoulder. Remus dodged another spell aimed at him by his own opponent and threw himself back into the battle.

"Good job, all of you" Moody told them an hour later as they crowded into headquarters kitchen. "Better than expected. We had no casualties, which is more than I can say for the death eaters." Everyone cheered. Alice looked shocked to hear praise from her old mentor. "Keep it up."

Several people pressed wands or towels against fresh wounds, some standing, others having a claim on one of the few old chairs around the large wooden table. Lily leaned against James' chest, his arms around her, his chin resting on her head. Sirius and Peter were both supported by the wall, the latter still bare from the waist up. His eyes were closed and blood dripped freely from a gash across his chest onto his pants and the floor. He seemed completely oblivious to the fact.

Remus pressed his wand against his own deep wound, feeling the heat flow through his arm as the cut heeled itself over. He was exhausted, dirty and covered in blood. But at least he had a job. He returned James' grin over Lily's head.

At least they would never get bored.


	8. Both ways

Been really busy with school, but I'm gonna try and start updating more regularly. i miss summer.

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He was accustomed to waking up in the woods. What he wasn't used to was having anyone other than James, Sirius and Peter there with him. His newly acquired self inflicted wounds were more numerous than usual due to his friends absence the night before. When duty calls, the marauders answer, at lest the three human ones.

Remus pulled himself to a sitting position against the nearest tree, disturbing the dry leaves and the damp earth beneath him. The smell of mold and dirt overwhelmed even his weaker human senses. He shivered unconsciously in the cold air.

Looking down to take in the damage to another set of robes that he couldn't really afford to replace he found a new set folded on the ground beside him, along with a heavy cloak and an extra pair of shoes that he recognized from his own closet.

He rose and turned to find himself laying beneath a tree on the edge of a small clearing, at the center of which burnt a magical fire, the blue flame crackling merrily and warming him instantly as he drew closer, holding his hands out to warm the cracked and bloody skin. Moments later the feeling had returned to his body and he was able to replace his tattered robes with the mysterious new ones that had been left for him.

The crack of a twig nearby made him jump and spin. He moved to pull his wand from his cloak before realizing that it lay at his feet in the pile of his discarded clothing, out of reach if someone wanted to cause him any harm. But he had only to experience a brief moment of panic before a figure emerged from the edge of the clearing.

The young woman was dressed almost identically to him, with the dark robes and cloak, the hood pulled up to protect, or maybe hide, her face. It was her movements that were familiar to him, and as the wind picked up, it was the lock of dark red hair that flew out from beneath the cloak as she reached up to pull it back from her face.

Lily was grinning at him in her usual excited manner, her emerald green eyes flashing, drawing him to her as they always had.

"You look horrible" she told him unapologetically as she closed the distance between them and rubbed her palm across his cheek. He saw the blood on her hand for a moment before she wiped it down the front of her robes, making him smile at how casually she did it.

"How did you find me?"

She looked away then, not meeting his eye, her smile fading, taking a moment to answer even this simple question. When she did, he could hear the change in her voice, he just didn't know the reason for it.

"I figured you might be in rough shape since you were alone last night. James shouldn't have gone on duty."

"The order needed him. I get that."

The emerald eyes narrowed but she still didn't look his way.

"Don't you think that some things are more important?"

He knew she didn't expect an answer and so he said nothing for several long minutes until the silence began to eat away at him. He didn't know why she had come and he didn't know why they were still there.

"I don't remember being here" he said conversationally, glancing around the clearing and into the trees nearby, not that he remembered much of anything at all from the night before. He noticed a stream running silently through the woods not far off and the rising sun just peeking up over the top of the trees.

"You weren't" she told him. "I brought you here."

This surprised him and he looked around sharply for further explanation which she gave weakly. "It was snowing where you were."

And yet she hadn't taken him back to headquarters or back to Godric's hollow, she had brought him here.

"Where are we Lily?" he asked gently.

"Aways from my parents old house" she told him. "Spinner's end is right through there" she added, pointing off in a direction he would not have been able to determine. "I used to come here when I was a kid a lot."

Remus felt his spine stiffen as memories found each other in his head. Lily grew up near Spinner's End. Severus Snape was from Spinner's End. They had been best friends for a long time. The last time that Lily had acted so strangely had been the last time someone had died.

"What happened Lily?" he asked, earning a vague smile as she finally turned back to face him.

"James asked me to marry him."

He could honestly say that he was shocked. She had said the last thing that he would have ever guessed in a way that made it seem almost repulsive. He closed his mouth.

"You don't want to marry him?" he asked. He had never seen a better couple, hadn't imagined either of them with anyone else since the day they had started dating.

"Of course I do" she replied forcefully, clenching her hands into fists and managing only to confuse him even more. "I love James, but I don't want to get married because I'm afraid that he could die tomorrow, or that I could, and I never wanted him to ask me because he thought it might be his only chance. "

The information clicked and he finally understood.

"So did you say no?" he asked, honestly curious.

Lily's expression was sheepish. "No. I said yes, of course."

"That's great!"

She was smiling again, caught up in the moment.

"You think so?"

He took a moment to choose his words. "Lily, I don't think James asked you because he was afraid. He asked you because he loves you more than anything and you might as well get married since your already living together and everything. Why the hell not? And I'm glad he finally did it, cause he's been a nervous wreck all week, wouldn't shut up about asking you.I was ready to strangle him."

"Really?"

They both laughed as they hugged each other, forgetting everything else.

"I love you Remus, thank you."

"Everythings gonna be great Lils. Don't worry about it." He kicked at the pile of tattered robes at their feet and finally stooped to retrieve his wand.

"I hope your right."


	9. Escalation

The large mangy dog wagged it's tail enthusiastically as he drew near, it's dark, very human eyes smiling up at him from behind the shaggy dark hair. Even so late at night, Remus could sense his friends energy and excitement that contrasted so strongly with his own exhaustion. He rubbed the dogs head by way of greeting, and Sirius growled low in his throat in return.

A sound in the street behind them made Remus turn to see an ugly rat making it's way towards them through the gutter and when he turned back the dog had become a man once more.

"You know" he offered lightly, taking in Sirius' confident expression and healthy features, "I think I like you better as a dog."

Sirius stepped forward and they embraced briefly, a sign of how strange it was for both of them to go for more than a day without any contact. When they pulled away Peter stood a few feet away, looking nervous and edgy as he glanced up and down the alley, not catching on to the relaxed mood that the other two had picked up. The smaller boys' nose twitched in his agitation, reminding Remus of his friends' rat form. Sirius was not the only who would do well to stay in his animagus form.

"James and Lily?" he inquired of Sirius. Days undercover meant that he had had little contact with his friends in weeks. The last time he had seen Lily had been the morning after his transformation, the day when she had seemed to be unsure of the future and the lives of those that they all cared about.

Sirius grinned. "Weddings in two weeks. They've asked me to be best man."

Remus couldn't help but remember the conversation that he had had with Lily. Had he been wrong? Everything seemed to be going so fast, was it simply because they were afraid that if they put it off then it would be too late?

"Of course they did" he said, returning the smile. "Congratulations."

Peter let out a squeak as the sound of someone apparating echoed within the narrow alley and all three of them drew their wands, Peter's hand shaking slightly as he copied his friends. As the dust cleared around them, a large man took shape in the shadows, his hair cropped tight to his scalp, his large robes barely containing the muscle mass that his body was forced to support. He did not look around or see the other men who stood quite close to him, stances hostile, wands drawn. Remus reached out a hand and gripped Sirius' arm, stopping him from acting prematurely. He could feel the adrenaline and the desire rushing through his own veins, the need to take down the man who had taken down their own, but they would wait.

The large man glanced down at what Remus could only assume was a watch on his left arm, but that he could not distinguish in the dark and then began to make his way towards the end of the alley, beyond which the street lay, mercifully empty. Sirius' arm tensed beneath Remus' grip. Peter moved up beside him, jumpy, shaking and white.

"Just wait, Padfoot!" he commanded of his friend in a low whisper.

Crack!

Another man, shorter but no less bulky than the first appeared not ten feet from his friend. The two exchanged grunts of welcome, a friendship far beneath that that Remus had with his own friends. The smaller man made to follow his comrade out into the street but Remus had raised his wand just as Sirius ripped his arm from his friends grasp and their cries of "Stupefy!" were indistinguishable from one another. Both spells hit the death eater in the back and he keeled forward as his friend spun towards the sounds. But it was too late even for him. Peter had leaped forward after his friends and it was his spell that flew beneath Sirius' outstretched arm and hit the man right between the eyes. Their was a moment of stunned silence before he joined his friend on the ground with a loud crash that shook the glass in the windows of the house across the street.

****

"So I hear that Crouch is none too happy that the Order has been doing all the ministries work for them?" Remus suggested lightly as he slid in across the table from Alice and Frank. Sirius chuckled as he joined him at the table and Moody shot an annoyed look that could have due to his comment, though his magical eye seemed to be fixed on the door through which the Prewett brothers had just disappeared. Remus had no doubt in his mind that they were up to no good and he obviously hadn't been the only one to think so.

Alice chuckled appreciatively, sweeping her dark hair back out of her face. "Even Crouch had to admit that the ministry needs help on this one. I think he would say that we are all working side by side, allied against Voldemort." She managed to hold a serious expression for several seconds before she allowed herself a grin.

"So you, Frank and Moody are liaisons then, or what would Crouch call it?" Sirius threw in.

Frank shook his head. "I wish that Crouch would see it the way Dumbledore does. We need to stand and fight together if we ever plan on winning this battle. If Crouch continues this way there is no saying what might happen. To him, there is no one more powerful than the ministry and therefore they stand alone. Dumbledore has tried to reason with him." He rubbed a hand over his pale face and slouched low, throwing his arm over the back of his wife's chair.

Alice grimaced. "I would hate to think what would happen if he found out we were working for the order. We'd probably be thrown in Azkaban."

"It can't be that bad" Remus was horrified. He had never liked Crouch in any way but the idea that the man would be unhappy that his aurors were arresting death eaters on someone else's time was beyond reason. The others were nodding grimly.

"Crouch has gone mad with power" Mad-Eye said matter-of-factly from the end of the table.

"And meanwhile everything is getting much worse" Alice added on a sigh, "People are being murdered all over the country. Wizards, members of the order..." her hand clenched tightly around her empty glass, her knuckles white. "... and especially muggles and muggle borns."

The door swung open and they all looked around as Lily entered and the room exploded with congratulations, cheers and cat calls. Lily grinned, a blush rising in her cheeks. Remus turned back to the table. All eyes remained on Lily, except for Alice's, who met his own sadly across the table.

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Did this chapter make sense to everyone? Anyway, please review.


	10. Dora

"Well?" she demanded playfully, twirling on the spot, red hair and white fabric lifting around her. Losing her balance, she stumbled towards him and he was forced to catch her before she went plummeting to the ground.

Lily regained her balance and raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, um, you look beautiful."

It was a bit of an understatement. The simple white dress hung gently over her ivory skin, her red hair falling in long, silky waves down her back and over her shoulders. Her cheeks were slightly flushed and her emerald eyes gleamed in anticipation. She shook her head at his lame comment and turned away to adjust her gown in front of the mirror.

"About that day in the forest" she said and it took him a moment to remember what she was talking about. He waited.

"Thank you" She said, turning back to him and holding her hair out of the way so he could help her with the clasp of the necklace that James had given her for her birthday. "I really needed to talk to someone. I didn't think Sirius would have been the right choice." They both smiled.

He crossed the room and pulled the curtain back from the window to look down into the garden below. He could see the people gathered there, mostly James' family. All the members of the order, Hagrid looming grandly over professor Dumbledore and a few others. And then he saw James and Sirius standing up at the front in their best robes, Peter balancing on a chair in the first row. As he watched, the others began to make their way up the rows of chairs, choosing places, talking excitedly.

"Are you ready?" he asked, turning back to Lily, who was hovering near the door, watching him anxiously, but she smiled back and nodded eagerly, though she didn't seem quite able to find her voice.

The music swelled up around them as they made their way around the building and into the view of the guests and the groom. He could feel Lily's nails digging nervously into his arm but he had felt much worse and said nothing. The aisle seemed much longer to him than it had seemed from the second floor window and he was sure it was longer for Lily, all eyes upon her as they made their way down the center. Then James turned towards them at the front of the crowd. Sirius made a face that no one but he and Lily would have been able to see and he felt her grip relax on his arm as she gazed up at James.

****

"Goodbye"

Lily threw her arms around his neck and his face was buried momentarily in her soft hair until she pulled away and kissed him on the cheek. James was next, shaking his hand, thanking him and telling him when they would be back from their honeymoon. Remus smiled at his friends' contagious happiness.

"C'mon James" Lily said, irritated, pulling at her husband's hand to get him moving. James laughed, touching her face briefly in a familiar way that reminded Remus that nothing had really changed in the last few hours. No one had died, it was still just Lily and James.

"Don't miss us too much!" James called over his shoulder as Lily dragged him away. A moment later they had reached the road, checked both ways, and spinning on the spot they disappeared as one.

Remus leaned on the fence, staring out into the dark lane at the spot where his friends had disapparated.

"They'll be fine" Sirius said from behind him, joining him against the fence and pushing a drink into his hand. "I promise." He looked more serious than Remus could ever remember having seen him.

"Sirius?"

They both turned to find Sirius' cousin Andromeda standing not far behind them, her small daughter beside her, watching them with bright eyed interest from beneath her head of neon green hair. "It's getting late, were about to leave."

Sirius clapped Remus on the back and stepped away to say goodbye. Remus leaned back against the fence and took a swig from the glass Sirus had given to him.

"Hi!"

He jumped, pouring half his drink down his front and looked around once more to find Andromeda's small daughter next to him, leaning over the fence, watching him closely, eyes wide in her heart shaped face.

"Hi" he replied, slightly annoyed, holding back a curse as the liquid soaked through to his chilled skin. He pulled out his wand to dry it.

"You don't look old enough to be Lily's dad" she stated, matter of fact.

"Excuse me?"

"You walked her down the aisle."

She swung back and forth, kicking at the boards of the fence.

"Very observant" he replied, but she didn't seem to catch the sarcasm in his voice.

"He's dead, isn't he?" she asked, but it wasn't really a question.

"How old are you?"

The small girl grinned. "I'm almost seven" she told him proudly. "How old are you?"

"Nineteen." He paused. "Why is your hair green?"

"I'm a metamorphmagus" she stated simply before changing the subject.

"Where do you work?" she asked him conversationally in a way most uncharacteristic of a six year old.

"I'm in the Order of the Phoenix"

He expected her to ask him what the order was but she didn't, her eyes lighting up excitedly at his words. "I hope I get to be in the order someday!" she announced.

Remus chuckled. "I don't think we'll still need the order by then" he told her. At least he hoped they wouldn't. How long could it go on for?

The little girl's smile faded but her look of determination did not. She gazed up at him seriously. "i think your wrong" she replied casually.

"Dora. It's time to go!"

Dora pulled away from the fence and made her way over to her mother and her cousin with one last wave in his direction.

"Bye Remus" Andromeda called to him.

He watched the two of them as they separated from Sirius and made their way across the garden where they were joined by a man he could only assume to be the girls father. Dora took hold of one the man's hands and he swung her easily up into his arms. Her tinkling, childish laughter carried back to Remus where he stood against the fence.

"Weird kid, huh?" Sirius commented, and he couldn't help but agree.

* * *

Ok, so I lied about the one chapter per week thing. I don't think I could make it that long without writing something. Please review, I need feedback. Reviewers get to go back in time and hang out with the marauders.


	11. Fault

* * *

This chapter is set a month or two after the wedding which is sometime during the summer that their all about nineteen. Meet Lupin's parents, a little late.

* * *

He had never, ever wanted to grow accustomed to death. And yet as he stood in the morning mist looking up at his parents home, the house that he had grown up in, he couldn't bring himself to feel anything. Was it better that way? He could see the door hanging open on one loose hinge, remnants of his parents lives spilling out onto the lawn. The dark mark that hung ominously above did little to shake him. Was it because of him as it had long ago been the other way around?

The familiar chill set upon him as he made his way up the path to the steps. He associated it with dead and did his best to prepare himself for what he was about to see. He didn't need to go in and yet he felt that he owed them at least that much, despite everything.

He stepped over the rubbish that was heaped in the hall and made his way through the kitchen and the dining room. Two places were set, as if his mother had been in the process of preparing a meal. For as long as he could remember his parents had sat down to eat at precisely seven, noon and five, whether he was there or not, no matter what day it might be. His father would set the table and his mother made the meal, two people buried so deep in their rituals and habits that he wondered if they had even still loved each other or if they were both just to used to the other that it didn't matter.

Remus remembered how his parents had been before he had been turned into a werewolf. He knew that it had changed everything. Once upon a time his father had made his opinion known, to your face or through the daily prophet. He could easily imagine how the man had angered Fenrir Greyback when he had been only achild. His mother had been strong and proud, working for the ministry, doing something or other, and then Remus had been bitten and they had all drowned, so deep beneath the surface that they could never really claw their way back out. Had he ever really forgiven his father for what had happened?

The stairs creaked threateningly under his feet as he made his way up them, as if it had been years, instead of hours since someone had walked on them. He braced himself for what he might see. A sneak attack? A raid? What should he expect?

He checked his own bedroom first, putting off the unavoidable for as long as he could. His bed was still in place but the mattress was bare and the old desk was covered with his father's papers instead of his own. Photos of his friends smiled and waved at him from the wall, amid Gryffindor paraphenalia . He crossed the room and pulled several of them down, pocketing them hastily.

He had no desire to be there any longer. He wanted to leave, to run, to never look back. The door to his parents bedroom hung open invitingly and so he approached, catching sight of his father before he had even entered. The old man was sprawled on the floor, one hand extended above his head, still clutching his wand. It seemed fitting that the old man had died in his bath robe, his grey hair sticking up from his head as if he had been electricuted.

He stood staring down at his father's frozen face for several long moments, unsure if he should do or say something to give himself some sort of closure.

"It's your fault" he finally said out loud in a mild voice and he was unsure whether he was speaking to his dead father or to himself.

Then he turned to his mother and he felt something separate inside of him. It looked as if she had fallen back onto the bed when she had been killed. She too clutched her wand in her hand, her gentle face frozen in shock, her hair swept up like a halo around her head. Even in death he recognized his own features in her face.

"I'm sorry" he said. "You didn't deserve this."

Several loud cracks in the street below alerted him to the arrival of other wizards. He made his way swiftly to the window and stared down at the group of ministry representatives making their way stiffly towards his house. He found his hand twitching towards his wand but as tempting as it was, it was foolish to think he could take them all. He sent one long last look at his parents.

With a crack and the feeling of being squeezed through a tube of toothpaste, a different room began to take shape around him. He heard a crash, a man cursing and then the sounds of hurried footsteps approaching. "Lily! be careful!" James was saying and a moment later she appeared in the doorway to the living room, her wand in her hand, her red hair pulled back behind her head. He noticed that he too was still clutching his wand. They lowered them at the same time and she took a moment to take him in.

James appeared behind her, his own wand raised, the sleeves of his grey shirt pushed up to his elbows, his mouth set in a hard line. For once, Remus could see how James could look dangerous, his wife under potential threat, but as their eyes met, James lowered his wand,his face clearing. "Moony-"

It was Lily holding up a hand that stopped him. He didn't know what he would have said anyway, or why he had come there. Her wand had disappeared completely and she crossed the distance between them in only a few short strides to fold her arms around him.

"I..." he managed.

He caught James' bewildered expression for a second before it was blocked by Lily's red hair.

****

"He was laying there dead... and I still couldn't forgive him."

He looked up from his tea into the concerned faces that surrounded him. He ran a hand through his hair and over his face. He wanted sleep, he needed it, but he knew that it wouldn't come even if he tried. "What kind of monster am I that thats all that I can think about?" Lily's hand tightened comfortingly on his his, her fingers soft against his rougher skin. "Damn it."

He pulled away from her and buried his face in his hands.

"I'm sorry Remus" she said quietly.

"What if it was my fault?"

A larger hand clapped down on his shoulder. "It wasn't"

James' voice was so sure that he almost believed him but Remus knew that James had no more idea than he did. He shook his head miserably.

"It wasn't" James said again. "Didn't you see the paper?"

"James!" Lily reprimanded with a hiss. "Don't!"

But Remus was looking up interestedly as James extracted a copy of the daily prophet from beneath a stack and threw it to the table top in front of him. The article was front and center, along with several photos, including one of his father, gazing up at him disapprovingly. He read the article thoroughly and then gazed at the photos without actually seeing them.

"No way" he said, looking around a this friends in disbelief. "No."

James shrugged and exchanged a look with Sirius. "I don't know any more than that."

Sirius nodded. "I hear he wasn't the only one to get imperiused. After your dad snapped out of it and gave all those death eaters names there were a bunch of heads checked out."

Remus shook his head again. How could he not have known? When had he last seen his parents alive? He knew it had been months before. Had his father acted any differently? Then he felt a familiar fury rising beneath the surface.

"He named over a dozen names in here" he growled, shoving the paper away so that it flew to the floor with a muted thump. "And then he decides to go home and smoke his pipe. What did he think would happen?" he demanded furiously. It was his father's fault that his mother was dead. You don't name names publicly and expect to get away with it. The man was a fool. And yet Remus couldn't help feel relief that it had nothing to do with him, that he had not been the one to bring this about.

"Maybe he was tired of waiting to hear that something had happened to you" Lily suggested softly from beside him. "Maybe he did it for you. He hoped that maybe you wouldn't get killed by one of these death eaters if he could put them away for good."

* * *

So what do you think? Could this be accurate? Let me know if you think I'm wrong, but please review no matter what, I shall give you many gifts, like another chapter. Cheers. Have a great weekend and you can all look forward to more Lupin very soon.


	12. Hogsmeade

He stared up at the school with what he knew to be a look of longing on his face. What he wouldn't have given to be a student again, to be safe behind the walls of Hogwarts, to have nothing to worry about but his school work. Even the full moon hadn't seemed so bad then.

He turned, cloak swirling, and made his way up the dark, deserted lane towards the edge of the town and the grubby old bar that he had first entered in his third year.

The hog's head was empty though it was still early, the townsfolk too cautious to make their way out for fun where there was so much worry to be had , and yet the bartender stood in his usual position behind the bar, a filthy glass in one hand, a filthier rag in the other, just as he had done for as long as Remus could remember, from the first time that the marauders had been thrown from the place.

He didn't seem to notice Remus until he had pulled himself up onto the stool across from him and folded his traveling cloak over the counter.

"Remus" the older man greeted him somberly, with hardly a glance in his direction.

"Aberforth" he replied.

A minute later he had a firewhiskey in his hand and he nursed it slowly, welcoming the intoxicating warmth that it spread through his body.

"You ever think of actually washing your dishes?" he inquired curiously of the bartender who had gone back to his pathetic cleaning. He swirled his glass, picking out the floaties that had risen to the top.

"What would people think?" Aberforth asked.

"Any news from Albus?"

The man's face clouded temporarily and Remus didn't know whether the expression was due to the mention of his brother or the news that he had to pass on.

"Nothing up at the school. More disappearances and deaths all over the place of course but thats only to be expected. I was sorry to hear about you parents last month. I knew your mother, she was a kind woman."

Remus grunted a reply, having no desire to talk about his parents. He knocked back the rest of his firewhiskey, ignoring the burn as it poured down his throat.

"What are you doing here anyway?" Aberforth asked.

"Just got off duty keeping your streets safe" he returned, "I'm on my way out now."

"How are James and Sirius? And the small one?"

"James and Lily got married."

He swung his cloak back up and around his shoulders, muffling the chill that had been growing in his bones for days. Aberforth gave a great bark of laughter, a familiar response to the news as people pictured the younger James, the trouble making houligan with a knack for making girls blush. James had done a lot of growing up since they had been at school.

He waved goodbye to Aberforth and exited the building, winding his way through the streets for one last check before he left for the night. He made his way past the post office and the three broomsticks and along the bend. There was no one out though he caught the brief movements as curtains were pushed aside and eyes followed his progress. There was no trust anymore.

It was the shadow that he saw first. The long, moving shadow of a human being, someone else who was roaming the streets when no one else dared too. He extracted his wand from where he had stowed it up his sleeve and slipped between the nearest buildings behind which he had seen them pass. His breath came in short, quiet bursts. He was alone but for all he knew the other wasn't. He caught sight of them again, making their way to the outskirts, the only place where it was safe to apparate without drawing attention to yourself if you didn't want your presence known. He could see then that it was a man, but not a large one, the hood of his cloak pulled up over his head as he stumbled along in the dirt. He stopped then, turning to stare back down the street in the way that he had come and Remus was quite glad for the cover of darkness and that he was safely hidden. Then the figure reached up and pulled back his hood and Remus was forced to stifle a gasp as years of prejudice and childish pranks justified themselves in his mind. Even in the dark and several meters away he couldn't mistake the greasy hair and the hooked nose of the death eater as he watched him set back off on his course.

He couldn't do nothing. What was Severus doing so near to the school? Were there more death eaters nearby? Why?

He moved slowly out onto the path and quickened his pace, depending on Snape's own footsteps to cover his own until he had very nearly caught up to him. He raised his wand higher and took a deep breath.

"Don't move Snape" he snarled through clenched teeth. The man jumped and spun, but he was not afraid. A familiar sneer crossed the hollow face as he took in his opponent, the wand pointed at his heart. Remus could practically read the man's thoughts, for the first time ever, Snape would have the chance to take on a marauder one on one in a fair fight.

"It's been too long, Werewolf" Snape said, spitting the last word with a vengeance. "Fenrir sends his greetings."

Remus ignored the comment. "What are you doing here?" he demanded furiously.

"I don't think thats any of your business, do you? And how are all your little friends these days?"

Remus wanted to hurt him, to cut out the light that shone behind the ugly black eyes.

" I didn't see you at Lily and James' wedding" he replied conversationally.

It seemed such a childish thing to say but he knew that he had hit his mark as the smile faded from the pale face. The two wands faced each other across the short distance that they had kept between them. He could feel his muscles tensing in anticipation as the silence grew.

"Coward!" Snape snapped, trying to draw him into action.

Crack!

They both spun towards the sound and a second later a second crack announced Snape's departure. He had let him go. James stood before him, shocked to see Remus standing there with a wand pointed at him.

"Is everything alright?"

He shook himself out, loosening his muscles, lowering his wand and turning back to the spot where his enemy had stood a second before.

"Remus?"

"Everythings fine, you startled me is all."

"Well I'm here to relieve you." James took a step closer to look into his friends face. "You look like you could do with some sleep."

Remus nodded and ran a hand through his hair.

"I expect there's still some food left over from dinner at the house. You should check it out."

"Thanks."

"No problem." James was still watching him with a concerned look on his face.

"Keep your eyes open" he told James unnecesarily. He didn't know why he didn't tell him about Snape.

* * *

Not my favorite chapter but it'll do. Don't forget that reviewers get prizes and stuff as well as a day in Hogsmeade with the marauders.


	13. Life

"I thought they were meeting us here." Sirius' voice was impatient and irritated like that of a younger boy. Remus checked his watch. "They did. Just wait."

"I expect they're already at headquarters, they probably just forgot. They'll be waiting for us there."

He hoped his friend was right but a cold dread was rising inside of him that he didn't care to admit. When had they ever forgotten? Where were they?

"Well?" Sirius demanded, throwing his arms out. Remus knew that it was worry for his friends that made him so irritable, but it was getting on his nerves. He leaned back against the wall and folded his arms over his chest, settling in. "They'll be here. And would you stop moving around?" he snapped. Sirius froze in his pacing, then threw himself to the ground, spinning his wand absently between his fingers. Sparks shot from the end.

"Don't do that. You'll set yourself on fire."

"Yes dad."

They waited in silence. As always, he was exhausted, nights of patrols and days of meetings running into each other, and with the full moon less than a week away he was in rough shape. He glared up at it defiantly, wishing for it to simply disappear.

"How about now?" Sirius demanded from the ground, tapping his head against the brick wall in an irritating way.

"Are we there yet?"

"Huh?"

"Never mind."

They reverted back to their painful silence. Sirius went back to spinning his wand between his fingers. Remus said nothing. Several minutes passed.

"I wonder how the meeting is going without us?" Sirius asked, rolling his eyes up at his friend. "They'll all wonder where we are."

"Uh huh."

Crack!

Sirius was on his feet and they both spun towards the sound, pulling out their wands, pointing them into the deep shadows that had fallen around them unnoticed.

"James? Lily?" Sirius called into the dark.

"This is stupid. Lumos!" Remus demanded of his wand and light flooded the small street. He held it up to see who had appeared.

Sirius cried out in shock. Remus felt a hand close around his arm and looked down into the familiar, pale, blood streaked face.

****

St. Mungo's was the setting of most of his childhood memories. The cold corridors, white walls and hurried indifference. Each patient was a bed and each bed was a number. A dozen patients per healer, no time for any of them. The math was alarming. He was almost afraid of the place, in a strange, illogical way like a child afraid of the dark. The hospital was death and destruction and ruined lives, like his own. He pushed his way through the heavy door and down the quiet corridor. He hated the silence. It was awkward and uncomfortable and unwelcome, sick people and mourning people and unhappy people, no words. He stopped halfway down the hall, halfway between the two rooms of the people that he cared about. He didn't want to be there. The same thoughts ran through his head as when he had seen his parents dead.

What if they hadn't waited? Would his friends be dead? He leaned back heavily against the wall and closed his eyes. They had known that this might happen, from the very start they had been aware of just how dangerous their jobs would be. Their friends had died, their family's. How had they continued?

He heard the footsteps then and the voices, lowered, as was expected in the halls of the bloody hospital.

"Remus?"

McGonagall's voice was gentle, sympathetic and very slightly unnerving. He opened his eyes, fully aware of how frightening he must look, unshaved, unkempt and covered in blood. Lily's and James' blood. Dumbledore stood beside her and he forced himself to shake his head to clear it. They were both waiting.

"They were ambushed by death eaters on their way to meet Sirius and I." He shook his head, he didn't know anything more than that.

"James is unconscious." He nodded his head to the end of the hall and then to the other. "Lily is awake but they're both in bad shape. The healers with her now."

Dumbledore nodded and glanced at his colleague. "We'll have to talk to Lily."

Remus saw Moody shove through the door closest to Lily's room with Frank on his tail. He reached out and took hold of Dumbledore's arm as he turned to meet them.

"Please Albus, can't this wait till morning? She's in pain and needs to rest."

The old man's gaze was sympathetic. "I'm afraid this can't wait." Remus let his hand drop and watched Albus, Minerva and the Aurors push through the door into Lily's room. He closed his eyes once more, knocking his head against the brick wall just as Sirius had done what seemed like days before, though it had been only a few short hours. He could hear Lily's soft, panicked voice even through the heavy door and Moody's rough reply though he couldn't make out what they were saying. With a small sigh he pushed his own way after the others.

Bruises and fresh scars marred Lily's pale skin, the result of several well aimed curses that could have just as easily brought her death. Her hair was singed and one of her eyes was swollen partially shut. He flinched internally.

"Remus." Lily cut through Moody's words as she caught sight of him, reaching out a desperate hand. Her emerald eyes gleamed, half pain, half fear and he went to her, folding his friends small hand between his own, lowering himself to the bed beside her. He had never felt so needed. Lily stared up a him imploringly. The others were silent.

"Is James okay?" her voice was barely a whisper so that he read the question on her lips and in her eyes more than he heard it. He reached up and brushed a lock of hair behind her ear, in an attempt at a comforting gesture. "He's fine. He'll be fine. I promise."

He squeezed her hand gently.

"Lily?"

She seemed to have forgotten that the others were there and jumped at the sound of Dumbledore's voice. "Lily, we need to know what happened and who was there."

Her eyes were clouded but her expression was determined.

"It was the same as before" she began slowly. "We barely escaped the last time" she recalled in a hollow voice. She didn't have to remind any of them.

"They want us to join them still" she continued. "Voldemort just won't take no for an answer." This brought a small smile to her face. "I don't know why they want me, seeing as I'm a mudblood." She shrugged. There was a collective intake of breath. "Lily, don't" Remus found himself saying, but she ignored him. "I had just gotten off duty in diagon alley. The streets were deserted, no one around. I met James outside of Flourish and Blott's, we were going to meet Remus and Sirius." He rubbed his thumb gently against the back of her hand.

She continued. "We were passing knockturn alley, we should have been paying more attention, not that it would have made a difference, and then we were surrounded by at least a dozen death eaters. They weren't impressed that we escaped last time, they weren't about to let it happen again. There was no one there to help us, we were being tortured, cursed, over and over again." She shuddered and Remus realized that her skin had gone icy cold.

"It wasn't the worst part. They were going to take us back to Voldemort. And then we would have had to make a choice."

Silence fell briefly but Frank broke it a moment later. "How did you get away?"

"James was already unconscious. They used the cruciatus curse on him so many times, and on me so that he'd give in. I thought he might be dead, but I couldn't leave him and I couldn't fight. I was on the ground next to him, so close. All I needed was a second of distraction, I knew that I could do it." She stared ahead of her as she told the story, perhaps at Dumbledore who stood at the end of the bed, but she glanced at him then and Remus nodded for her to continue.

"More death eaters started to appear. I guess they wanted to join in the fun. I knew it was my only chance. I grabbed James and I disaparated from the ground. I didn't think it would work, I had never done it like that before, but then we were somewhere else, and Remus was there, and Sirius..." her voice trailed off, her story finished. She gazed around the room at each of them in turn, waiting for the next question.

"Did you see any of their faces?" Moody asked gruffly. Lily shook her head. "They were wearing masks. But I heard some of them talking, I heard a name." They waited as she struggled to remember. "He wasn't there, but he had killed some people, and Voldemort had rewarded him. I think it was Karkaroff. Yes."

There was a stunned silence. Remus caught a meaningful look pass between Frank and Moody. "Anything else?"

"Karkaroff. He was also the one who found Dorcas Meadows. He brought her to Voldemort, Voldemort wanted to kill her himself." She tried to shake off the thought of their friends murder. "That's all I heard, you'll have to wait till James wakes up."

The door opened and a young healer came in with a chart in her hands. She took them all in before approaching the bed. "I'm going to need to have a private conversation with my patient" she told them. Lily's hand contracted nervously in his own. "I'll be right outside" he told her quietly as he stood to leave.

"No. Go check on James."

He nodded.

"Who's Karkaroff?" he demanded as soon as they had cleared the room. All eyes went to Moody who cleared his throat and reached into his cloak to take a swig from his hip flask.

"He's a death eater I've been looking for for three years, violent bastard. Half of everything can be linked back to him in some way or another, though he isn't even close to being Voldemort's right hand man, I can tell you that."

"Poor Dorcas" McGonagall said. Frank nodded. "She was a great auror and an even better witch."

"Taught this one everything he knows" Moody growled, hooking his thumb at the younger auror.

"It's no wonder Voldemort had to kill her himself."

****

James looked worse even than Lily as he lay in the large hospital bed, asleep and bare from the waist up but for a length of bandage that circled his torso. He had several broken bones and open wounds among other things and his whole body was black and blue. He would be back to normal by the next day, except for maybe the bruises.

Sirius sat next to the bed, slumped over with his face in his hands, looking as if he was about to throw up but Remus said nothing, standing against the far wall, watching his friend's chest rise and fall with each labored breath. He was waiting for James' eyes to open.

And then they did. James groaned and lifted a hand to his face but let it fall back, flinching in pain. Sirius looked up, a frantic, relieved smile making him handsome again.

"Shit."

James gazed around the room briefly, at each of his friends and the unfamiliar room and unwelcoming white walls. It seemed to take him a moment to realize what was missing. His expression was panicked.

"Lily?"

It was more of a demand than a question. Remus found that both of his friends were watching him. Sirius had not left James' side.

"She's fine. She's awake."

James expelled his breath in a deep sigh of relief. Then he scowled again as the pain came back to him. "Bastards" he muttered under his breath, his fists clenching above the white blankets. The door opened and two people entered, the smaller one supporting the taller. Peter helped her through the door then scurried to join Remus.

"Lily!" James reached out for her in the same way that she had reached out for Remus from her own bed and she limped across the room and collapsed beside her husband, hands hovering nervously over his broken body. They were both smiling madly at each other despite everything and Remus felt as if he was witnessing a private moment that he was never meant to see. James reached up, clearly in pain, and wrapped his arms around her, hugging her close to him, both glad to see the other alive. When they separated, James held her face in his hands. "I'm fine" she told him.

"I don't really remember what happened" he replied.

"That's alright." She was stroking his arm gently, gazing down at him lovingly. Remus found himself wondering what it would be like to have someone like that, but he shook it off. He knew it could never happen for him.

"James. I have to tell you something." She was smiling then, but her eyes were over bright, sad and happy at the same time.

"What is it?"

"James, I'm pregnant."

* * *

So this has definitely been my longest chapter, though it's not my favorite. I hope you all enjoyed it. Reviewers get to take part in an epic death eater battle. See you all soon.


	14. Prophecies

"Thats ridiculous." Lily's skeptical voice broke the silence that had fallen over the table. Every head turned her way. Remus saw his own expression of horror reflected in James' face, and Sirius' next to him. Peter stared back at him unseeing. Alice was bent over her growing body and Frank had wrapped his arms around her thin shoulders.

"Surely you can't believe this Albus."

Remus focused his attention on the old man who sat at the head of the table, his long white fingers folded together on the table top, his expression mixed between amusement and a fear that Remus had never seen there before.

"And why is that, Lily?" Dumbledore asked simply, like a patient teacher talking to a student, which Remus supposed he was.

Lily was spluttering, trying to find an answer.

"It's a prophecy,-a-a fairy tale. Fortune tellers and predictions and myths. It can't be real. No one knows the future!"

James was staring at his wife, his expression haunted, clearly shocked that she was not taking things seriously.

"Lily-" Remus tried softly but she cut him off.

"It's just a story" she told them all adamently, her own hands folding protectively over her stomach. "This is completely ridiculous. You said so yourself, Albus. Divination is sketchy at best."

Frank and SIrius were both shaking their heads. Dumbledore was smiling sadly.

Remus longed for what she said to be true, but he knew enough to understand that it was not.

"But there are real prophecies Lily" the old man said. "They are extremely rare, but they are possible, in fact, the ministry keeps them well hidden deep within the department of mysteries. Only those about whom the prophecy is made are able to remove them. Really prophecies are nothing like muggle fortune tellers who claim to see the future. Most of them will come true."

Lily's eyes were narrowed. "You think this is real then? You think this will happen?"

"I do."

"You don't think that maybe you were being conned into giving this Trelawney a job?"

"Lily" James chided softly, having recovered mildly from the initial shock, but Dumbledore did not look offended by the question. He chuckled softly.

"I believe that I am old enough and wise enough to know the difference."

Lily was not apologetic. "And this prophecy was overheard?"

"Yes. Luckily Aberforth was able to remove them before the eavesdropper had the chance to hear the whole prophecy."

As yet, the others had remained relatively silent.

"Who was it?" SIrius demanded. Remus had no doubt that his friend was planning on tracking the person down and making sure that he didn't talk, and Dumbledore seemed to realize the same. "I cannot yet be sure" was his calm reply.

"What should we do?" Frank asked next, his voice tight, unsure. The auror was used to being in control, not asking for help.

"We wait and see."

****

Watching Sirius pace made him dizzy. He looked away, digging through a box of books to find the one he was looking for. Through the window, he could see the sun rising on the horizon. Upstairs, he doubted that James and Lily had yet gotten a chance to sleep.

"How could an infant defeat the darkest wizard of all time?" Sirius came to a halt next to the table, eyebrows knitted together as he contemplated the question, the answer to which seemed fairly obvious to Remus.

"No one said anything about an infant" he replied mildly, studying his selection. He didn't want to think about it, about what might happen, in the next year or the next twenty, he wanted things to stay as they were. Minus the evil wizard of course, though it certainly kept things interesting.

"What do you mean? Yes they did" Peter threw in from across the room through a mouthful of pumpkin juice. He remained at the table, eating his way through the leftovers of the earlier meal. Sirius said nothing ans Remus knew that his friend was waiting for him to elaborate.

"The prophecy doesn't say anything about a baby defeating Voldemort. It says that the one who will defeat him is coming, or something like that. For all we know, James and Lily's son will grow up and kill Voldemort then. Or Frank and Alice's I suppose." Even to himself, he sounded exceptionally cavalier as he spoke of the unborn children and the death of the dark lord.

"Would you stop eating?" Sirius snapped at Peter, causing him to jump and drop a chicken leg into his lap.

"Padfoot" Remus found himself reprimanding his friend sharply but Sirius was paying him no mind. He slouched over to the table and threw himself down in an empty chair.

The door opened then and James entered, his hair more untidy than ever, his glasses askew, his face white. He didn't sit, but stood, staring at his friends as if he had never seen them before.

"Are you okay?" Remus offered, feeling compelled to help his friend but not knowing how to do it.

"She's asleep" James replied, as if that was the answer to the question that had been asked of him.

"Prongs, mate" SIrius tried, but he clearly had no more idea of what to say than Remus had.

James shook his head. "I can't let this happen."

* * *

So I'm pretty sure that that was maybe Wormtail's second or third line in this whole story. I know I should give him more, I just don't like him, for obvious reasons. I'm sad that the weekend is over which means I won't be writing as often again, though I'll try to whenever I have spare time. Reviewers will have all their Harry Potter related dreams come true.


	15. Someday Prongslet

He wasn't particularly disappointed to be shaken awake halfway through his regular nightmare, though his hand tightened instinctively around his wand as his eyes opened, despite the fact that no intruder was likely to bring him about before they killed him. He found Sirius standing above him, a wild grin on his face that spread from ear to ear as he fidgeted spastically. Remus groaned and turned his face into the musty old pillow beneath his head.

"I'm too tired for your tricks tonight, Padfoot. Leave me be, wake Wormtail instead."

A brief moment of silence gave him the impression that his friend had followed his command, and then he was being shaken again, his arm very nearly disconnecting from his body.

"What?" he demanded furiously, yanking the limb from his friends grasp. He pulled himself to his feet, his body sore and aching from the position in which he had slept. Sirius continued to grin, rocking back and forth on his heels.

"Lily's in hospital" Sirius chirped excitedly. Remus experienced a pang of horror before he realized why exactly his friend was acting so strangely and then another as he remembered that the first had not been entirely uncalled for.

"Born as the seventh month dies." For one short day he had assumed that the Longbottom's son, little Neville was sure to be the subject of the prophecy. Now there was no way to be sure.

He hadn't realized that he had spoken aloud until Sirius' reply had broken through to him. "Your such a mood killer. Shall we go then?"

****

Pacing seemed to have become a regular habit for his friend. Remus found that even he couldn't stay still after two hours of watching Sirius' back and forth across the small corridor, his reaching out to touch the white wall every other turn as though there was something mysterious on it that only he could see. Moody and Frank were situated farther down the hall with the Prewett brothers and he knew that other friends and fellow order members were scattered throughout the hospital, waiting to hear news of the potential chosen one and of course of their friend. He could barely handle the pressure himself and had no idea how Lily could possibly deal with it all.

Peter sat to one side, balanced on a rickety stool that had been brought from one of the rooms, the legs so feeble that the smaller man was in danger of tumbling off. On any other occasion Remus might have helped his friend secure the thing but after so many minutes of anxious anticipation there was little else to do but watch Peter's constant effort to stay balanced.

The door to Lily's room opened briefly and several heads snapped to attention, following the healer's progress as she made her way by, down the long, cheerless hallway. She shook her head at the looks of concern and interest on each face but said nothing, as she had no news. Remus looked back around, attempting to catch a glimpse into the room, but the door had already swung back on it's hinges, concealing his friends behind it. He swallowed and began to wear his own path into the tile floor.

He dozed for a short while after that, accustomed to sleeping in the oddest of places at the most inconvenient of times but when he awoke again he found himself freshly alert and very awake, as the others slumped, bored and exhausted against the wall. He pushed away from them then, unsure as to where he was headed, perhaps to get flowers or a gift for the new infant upon it's arrival though he really needed nothing more than his wand to do it.

The lift doors shut firmly behind him and he found that he was able to breath again.

Ignoring the robotic voice that chimed as the doors reopened, he stepped out of the lift and found himself wandering down a busier corridor on the first floor, walking aimlessly, feeling rather useless as he pictured his friend in pain, several floors above.

"Remus?"

He stopped and turned towards the familiar voice to find Andromeda Tonks standing just beyond the waiting room, a bottle of butterbeer clutched in one hand, the label stripped as if she had been picking at it as she waited. He smiled but the look was not returned. "Is everything alright? Has someone been hurt?"

He hurried to calm her concern.

"Lily's having the baby." Her panic was replaced by a rather forced smile and Remus wondered why she was there herself.

"That's wonderful."

He nodded, a little too quickly, still in the process of convincing himself that everything was going to turn out fine. "Are you alright?"

Andromeda sighed. "Yes, of course. It's just Dora again." She shook her head impatiently. Remus remembered the little girl from the wedding.

"What happened?"

"Oh, nothing much. She just borrowed her father's wand when he wasn't looking. And as clumsy as she is- she tripped and lost control of it. The healer's re growing the bones in her left arm right now."

As if on cue, a door at the end of the corridor swung open and the child shot from it like a bolt of lightning, barreling towards them, causing several people to leap from the path of the little monster with the bright yellow hair. He was sure she would run straight into him, but she stumbled quite violently a foot away and he was just able to catch her arm as she headed for the floor. The little girl straightened herself, holding out her arm for her mother and he to examen, a long suffering look of boredom on her small face. "So can we go now?" she demanded. She looked around for her father who was coming towards them at a much slower pace, hands deep in his pockets, an apologetic look on his face. He eyed Remus briefly before reaching out to shake his hand. "Ted Tonks."

"Remus Lupin."

Dora leapt and hung from her father's other arm until the man focused on her. "Healer Press said that she wishes you would stop hurting yourself" he told his daughter with a note of hopelessness in his voice that could only ever be heard from a parent accustomed to a clumsy child. Remus looked down and found Dora grinning up at him. "I remember you!" she announced loudly in a sing song voice, her eyes a bright shade of violet that clashed delightfully with her hair. He couldn't help but smile back, but it seemed that she had nothing else to say to him as she turned and pulled on her father's arm once again with a cry of "Let's go dad, I hate the hospital."

"Goodbye Remus. Tell Lily good luck for me" Andromeda called over her shoulder as she followed after her husband and child.

"Goodbye Remus!" Dora echoed loudly, earning annoyed glares from several patients around the room, one of which seemed to have lost his nose. Remus waved and turned back to find the lift.

****

Lily's eyes came open slowly, the bright emerald color of them seeming to have intensified despite everything. Her hair clung in clumps to her neck and face and she brushed it away impatiently, pulling herself up against the pile of pillows that had been provided. Remus grinned at her, his arms wrapped warmly around the newborn baby.

"Hey" he said softly but she responded with only a smile, her eyes on her child who was nestled, asleep in his own arms.

"Oh. Did you want him?"

She smiled and shook her head, yawning and stretching her limbs before settling back again. "Thats alright."

He brushed a finger along the baby's red cheek and up into the thin hair, already dark and messy, perhaps even more so than James'. He couldn't help but wonder about the eyes.

"Where is everyone?"

"James went to get some food, and the rest of us are taking this one at a time. Didn't want to overwhelm you all at once. And I should warn you, there are a lot of people out there waiting to see this kid."

She laughed, a tired, but happy sound.

He looked up to find her eyes on him instead of the baby boy. "What?"

Another smile. "Nothing."

"Nothing what?"

"You look good like that. Do you think you'll ever have kids?"

Remus snorted, more than a little bitter at the reminder of his inability to have a normal life. He made no reply.

"I'm serious!" she protested.

He sighed and met her eye. "Lily, we both know that can never happen for me. Don't be ridiculous."

He knew she could see how much he wanted what she and James had, but there was nothing anyone could do about it.

"_I'm_ not" she said stubbornly.

"Lily. Please. I'm a monster. I could never do that to someone."

Her voice was dangerous as she answered, reminding him of a mother, then that she was one. "Remus John Lupin, don't you _dare_ say monster ever again. How could you?" she demanded furiously as if he had insulted her personally.

"Fine" he retaliated. "But I _am_ dangerous and I could never get married and I could never have a child. The complications..." he trailed off. The complications would be disastrous.

"You don't know that."

"I can't take that chance. I could never have someone share my life. If I truly loved them then I hope I would be strong enough to let them go. No one deserves that Lily, I could never be with someone the way you are with James. I can _never_ have a normal life. I'm. Too. Dangerous."

"Your a hypocrite. You have friends and family who love you, who you love back, and you've never hurt any of them." She folded her arms across her chest. He couldn't believe that they were having this conversation right then. There was a long pause in which he shook his head sadly at her stubborn denial.

"It's hardly the same thing."

"Your a good man Remus, I wish you would remember that. Anyone would be lucky to have you, and someday someone will come along and make you realize that you are also a fool, someone who won't pay any attention to your paranoid misgivings, who won't take no for an answer, and I hope to be there to say I told you so." She sounded smug as she said it, as if it had already happened.

"I thought you didn't believe in predictions."

The door swung open noisily behind him and he followed Lily's line of sight to find Sirius framed in the doorway. "You planning on hogging the kids all day, mate?" Sirius asked him.

Remus stood and offered Lily a one armed hug as Sirius came farther into the room to take his place next to the bed. He lowered the baby gently into his friends arms as he made to leave.

"_Mother_ of _merlin_, it's _puny_ Prongs!" he heard Sirius exclaim. He just barely caught Lily's groan as the door swung shut on his heels.

* * *

Too bad Lily _won't_ be there. Muahaha. Don't forget to review.


	16. Monster

He was surprised to find his knock responded to so quickly, and even more so to see Sirius' head appear in the doorway followed by his body, his hair and clothing disheveled, dark circles under his eyes, five o'clock shadow developing on his face and a look of complete and utter hopelessness in his dark eyes.

"It's about time!" Sirius barked, and Remus found himself being dragged unceremoniously into the house by the front of his robes. The front room was a mess of children's toys and clothing among other necessities, as well as half a dozen inexplicably unmatched adult shoes that he had never seen before.

"What-?"

But his question was answered before it was even a fully formed thought in his head. The furious sound of an infant announcing it's displeasure to the world made him flinch as if struck, hands flying to his ears in a vain attempt at muffling the biting sound. He took a step back towards the door, his foot coming down on the cats tail. The poor creature gave a screech of pain and fury rivaling even the infant's and streaked out the still open door. Remus watched it go, jealous at the animals freedom to escape the noise. It would not have surprised him at all if the cat were never to come back.

He closed the door regretfully and turned to find that Sirius had disappeared from sight, but he had only to follow the terribly loud wail, that grew more painful the closer he came, until he found his friend standing over a baby bassinet, his hands digging into his scalp, which explained the state of his hair as he stared down into the basket. Remus touched his friends arm to get his attention .

"Where are Lily and James?"

"What?!"

"Where are Lily and James?!!"

"They went to work, I told them I could take care of him for the one day so they could go do something. What kind of godfather am I if I can't even get the kid to shut up?!" He replied over the sound, his frustration leaking out in his voice.

A dull ringing had begun in the back of Remus' head. He knew that it was just the first stop before the migraine set in. He had never realized just how loud babies could be. "I don't think you'll lose the position if he doesn't stop."

Sirius hung over the bassinet, waving his fingers in the child's face, talking to him in a high pitched, sing song voice that sounded very nearly identical to that of his young cousin. Remus smiled.

"Please shut up, your moms gonna kill me" Sirius groaned finally, running his hands up through his hair and drawing back to the wall, lowering himself into an armchair. He waved a hand in the air like a white flag.

"You should try. I give up " he announced.

"I don't know anything about babies."

"Well, neither do I, and I'm godfather. So.." he shrugged.

"And I'm sure that they picked you because of your obvious way with children" Remus said, sarcasm dripping from each word.

He took a step forward and looked down at the little boy. "Hello, Harry. Remember me?"

A set of emerald green, almond shaped, wet red rimmed eyes stared up at him from beneath a shock of messy black hair. Harry's tiny mouth opened once again, and Remus readied himself for an explosion but a moment later the little boy's chubby baby fists had come up, one finding it's way into his mouth, the other reaching up, waving back and forth in the air as Sirius' had done. All sound had stopped. The eyes stared up at Remus inquisitively, expectantly and he found that he had been holding his breath. He looked around in wonder as Sirius jumped up and closed the distance between them. "You did it" he breathed as though he thought that he might set Harry off again.

"Very impressive" James said from the doorway, making them both jump and spin defensively. He leaned casually against the frame watching them hovering over his child, then pushed away from it and crossed to join them, clapping Remus on the back.

"Guess you don't get to leave Moony, I think you might be his favorite."

****

"Where the hell is Peter?" James demanded in a tight voice as he joined them in the shadows. Remus shrugged, fully aware that his friend would not catch the gesture.

"How's Harry?" Sirius was asking, as casually as if they were meeting for a drink.

"Finally sleeping through the night, or else I'm now able to sleep _through_ the screech of the banshee." They both chuckled softly.

"And Lily?"

"Better now that she can get some rest. Thought the kid was gonna kill her. Any sign of our friends?"

"Not yet."

The sound of footsteps and rustling leaves beyond the place where they were huddled in the dark brought Remus to raise his hand, silencing his friends immediately, the light mood changing drastically. They stared out into the night, looking for their subjects.

"Right there. See them?" SIrius whispered, one hand pointing to a spot some twenty yards from their hiding place. Remus had to blink several times before he too could make out the cloaked figures in the distance. Hatred flowed through him as he thought of where they had come from. Killing mudbloods? Killing his friends? Children? Were they the same ones who had killed his own parents?

And then he could feel a burn deeper in his throat. Red fogged his vision and his heart began to beat so loudly that he was sure they would be discovered.

Moony?" James hissed.

Remus blinked.

He had moved forward, almost out from under their cover. His wand was in his hand and he could feel his friends restraining hands as they tightened around his upper arms.

"Moony, were here to look, and then we leave" Sirius reminded him somberly. "Take a breath."

"I..."

He didn't have to say anything. They knew just as well as he what had brought about his reaction. And all he could do was stand in the shadows and watch as the man... or the wolf, the one who had ruined his life walked free. He was so close. With one wave of his wand, Remus knew that he could take Fenrir out, saving the lives of all his future victims and getting revenge for his own pain.

"Moony, we can't fight them all. You know that. It'd be ten to three. All we want now is proof."

"You said that you could handle this" James reminded him. It was an accusation.

He couldn't take his eyes off the monster. Fenrir seemed even larger than he remembered him, even more frightening when he understood the complications of it all. Hair grew wild and thick on his head and face. Remus could not make out the evil dark eyes from so far away through the darkness but he knew they were there and he could see them clearly in his mind, so angry and vicious and hungry, a hunger that he had since felt himself, too often to count.

Remus still had nightmares about Fenrir Greyback. He was a child again, mauled by the monster, crying out in pain as the sharp teeth dug into his flesh. He was all alone, bleeding to death, drifting in and out of a painful consciousness. He was lying in the hospital as his parents cried, as they weighed the options of their sons life. He wished that he had died then but instead he had become a monster himself. He was experiencing his very first transformation, the pain of the attack multiplied by a million.

He watched as Fenrir greeted the group of death eaters like old friends.

James' hand had not left his arm and he was forcing Remus to turn away from the death eaters, to look him in the eyes. "Some day you can fight him, you can get your revenge. Just not now. Were outnumbered, and I want to see my son again." His voice was calming but tense. James knew that Remus would never do anything to get his friends killed, but there was no saying what he would do once they had left him alone and they both knew it.

Remus looked back at his friend, allowing James to wonder at what he might be thinking, what he might be planning. Finally, he shook him off, turning away from the others.

"Moony?" Sirius asked cautiously.

"Ya, I know. Were just watching."

"This is proof that the werewolves are working for Voldemort" SIrius said.

Remus turned and offered his friend a dead look.

"I mean...the other ones...you know what I mean" Sirius offered awkwardly. "I think I'll go try and hear what their saying." And a moment later a large shaggy dog stood in the man's place, but it was too late. As they watched from their cover they could see the death eaters melting back into the distance, disappearing along the roadside. He kept his eyes on Fenrir Greyback until he was swallowed in the pitch dark.

Remus looked around to find that Sirius had become himself once again. Both of his friends were watching him with concerned expressions.

"What?" he demanded, annoyed, feeling as if he had missed a crucial opportunity, and yet knowing that his friends were right, that there had been no way to get what he wanted.

"How about you come back to Godric's Hollow. Lily would love to see you and you look like you could use some food." James was trying to find a way to keep an eye on him until he got over his burning desire to kill, a feeling as strong as his need for blood when he was transformed. But then he thought of Lily at home with her son. He thought of everything that Dumbledore had done for him, the trust he had shown. He thought of James and Sirius and Peter and the day that they had learned what he was, the day that they had stuck by him. And another day, years later when they too had managed to transform, to help him, to be with him. He remembered what Lily had said in the hospital the day that Harry had been born and he tried to force himself to believe her words. He was not a monster. His transformations did not determine who he was. _They_ were his life, not the werewolf, but every one of them, every person that cared about him, who he cared about in return, each person that he could help to protect, everyone who did not judge him for his condition. He was not like Fenrir. He was making up for his inner, unavoidable evil by giving his life to good, to the order of the phoenix, to the people that he would gladly die for.

Remus sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. "Sure. That'd be good."


	17. Security issue

"Move and the girl dies." The death eaters voice was muffled but hard beneath the dark mask. His larger partner stood nearby, wand at the ready, pointed directly at Lily who stood next to her husband, looking small. Remus' own wand lay far beyond reach, alongside both James and Lily's. He kept his breathing even as he exchanged glances with his friends. James was wide eyed and afraid for his wife's life, panic evident in his expression. Lily stared back at him blankly but he could feel what she was thinking as she averted her gaze to her husband, her eyes dark. He knew from looking at her that she was expecting to die. No one lives forever, especially not when you were working against the darkest wizard in a century.

"Isn't this precious" the masked man goaded callously, taking a step forward towards the couple. He reached out a hand and ran one finger down the side of Lily's face, causing her to recoil in disgust and making the other two flinch inwardly. Remus glanced at James, took in the clenched jaw, the tensed muscles, his anger clear in his expression and his defensive stance.

The death eater chuckled quietly and ran his hand through Lily's long, glossy hair, sending a shiver up Remus' spine. She didn't move or react.

"Now then. I think it's time we got some answers, what do you think?" he asked his partner, who gave a guffaw of laughter and adjusted his position, wand still pointed at Lily. The smaller of the two wizards changed direction and made his way past James to Remus, who found a wand pointed in his own face. He refused to show the fear that he was feeling, for himself, but especially for his friends. He thought of Harry, back at headquarters with Alice and Neville. Would he still have parents the next day?

"What are you doing here?" the death eater demanded. Remus knew if it wasn't for the mask that he would have the man's spit on his face.

"We fancied a stroll" he replied aggressively, stalling so as to buy them time. He glanced to either side, seeing nothing beyond their small gathering. The death eater gave a growl of displeasure and held the wand higher, inches from Remus' nose. He tried not to think about the possibilities. Even as he stood facing death, Lily and James were his priority. They had something to live for.

" What are you doing here?" the man repeated.

"Answer the question or your friend dies" the larger of the two growled furiously.

"I don't know what to say" Remus replied. He was surprised at just how calm he felt.

"Well you had better come up with something in about two seconds or else your all dead. Though your probably dead anyway once we take you back to the dark lord. I remember that one from the last time" he said, jerking his thumb at Lily who didn't seem to hear what he was saying. "Yea, the dark lord was not happy about that. He'll reward me beyond all others..." he said, trailing off. He sounded more than excited at the idea of killing them. How could anyone be so happy to take the life of another?

There was a flash of movement on the edge of Remus' line of sight. A flash of a tail. But it was obvious that no one else had seen it and he shook his head to keep the death eaters attention.

"Fine. I'll tell you everything you want to know. Just don't kill us." He glanced sideways at James who was watching him open mouthed. He glanced then at Lily who was eyes on the ground with a determined look on her face. He wondered if she had seen it too.

There was a note of triumph in the death eaters voice. "I'm not making any promises" he said gleefully. "Let's start with what you were planning when you came here, shall we?"

He stood uncomfortably close to Remus as he spoke, so close that he could smell the man's breath even through the mask, and see the dark eyes through the two small holes. He had only once been so close to eyes that were so evil. He shivered again.

"Start talking" the death eater demanded, jabbing Remus in the ribs. He felt a slow burn radiating from the wand throughout his whole body, causing him to sink to his knees. The man snorted and turned to James instead. "You. Start talking."

Remus felt his friends eyes on him and he did his best to raise himself to his feet on rubbery legs.

James spit in the death eaters face. The saliva dripped from the mask down onto the matching robes.

"Crucio!"

Lily let out a scream of pain as she fell to the ground, writhing in the dirt. James gave a roar of anger and sunk his fist into the death eaters face, a loud crunching sound announcing the breaking of bones. The man gave out a cry of surprise at the unexpected turn, and his wand fell to the ground.

Remus lunged for it. He straightened up with the length of wood clutched tightly in his hand as he turned to Lily just in time to see the larger death eater with his wand raised, ignoring the fist fight that had broken out nearby. Remus knew he was too late as the words left the man's mouth, curling viciously through the air, ejecting a stream of light from the end of his wand.

"Avada Kedavra!"

Remus leapt forward, but he was not the only one.

"Protego!"

The killing curse was deflected and went spinning away from Lily back towards it's creator, missing him narrowly.

"It's about time you showed up!" Remus called to Sirius as he summoned his wand and his friend's to him, stunning the large death eater before he could make a move. He crashed heavily to the ground.

A cry of fury brought his attention back to James and the death eater. He had never seen wizards fist fighting before. It was unheard of in a world where kids hexed each other when the other's back was turned and full grown wizards used spells that were far worse than a bloody lip.

Sirius leapt into the battle, too excitable to be left out of something so different as a fight without wands.

Lily was sitting up and Remus kneeled beside her, wanting to help her. "Are you okay?"

Lily grimaced. She was covered in dirt and flinched with each movement, still feeling the pain of her torture. "Help me up."

Remus pulled her to her feet and returned her wand to her. Lily stood for a moment, rotating the piece of wood between her fingers. He knew that she was thinking about what could have happened. He reached up and squeezed her shoulder briefly.

"I thought we were dead for sure" she told him.

"Ya, me too."

Crack!

They both spun to see James and Sirius in a heap on the ground, doing their best to untangle themselves. Remus could see that both the death eater and his partner had disappeared though he hadn't seen him grab the stunned man.

Lily rushed forward to help her husband to his feet. James threw his arms around her, burying his face in her hair. When he looked up Remus saw that he was covered in blood, with a cut lip and a black eye, a dark bruise blooming on the side of his face. SIrius was looking little better, except for the thrill induced smile on his face. He was looking down curiously at his bloody knuckles as if he had never seen them before.

"I'm fine" Lily was saying.

"Let's get out of here before they come back and bring their friends."

****

The kitchen was silent as Dumbledore contemplated their story, taking in the battle wounds and blood that James and Sirius had yet to clean from their clothes and bodies. Lily slumped exhaustedly in a chair at the table, her sleeping son cradled possessively in her arms, James' hands on her shoulders.

"How did they know we would be there?" James demanded, eyes narrowed. Remus exchanged a nervous glance with McGonagall and waited for the headmaster's answer, the answer that they were all expecting, and yet were afraid to hear.

"I expect that someone told them" the old man said finally, folding his long fingers together on the tabletop. The others said nothing.

"I'm afraid that we may have a security issue on our hands" Dumbledore said simply. "Someone in the order of the phoenix is passing information to Lord Voldemort."

* * *

Yay, it's the weekend again, so I hope I'll have time to write at least a couple chapters. I do like this chapter, though it's definitely not my best writing, thats what I get for doing this at three o'clock in the morning. Thanks to everybody who's been reviewing, keep it coming.


	18. Games

"It's always the werewolf" he snorted bitterly over the dirty goblet, eyeing the others. "Obviously I'm the traitor. Who else could it be?" he demanded, waving an arm in the air angrily.

"What are you talking about?" Sirius asked in a reassuring voice. "No one thinks that your the traitor" he said, avoiding Remus' eyes. He seemed to notice his friends empty glass and held out the bottle. Remus nodded and his drink was refilled. He shook his head.

"They've all been watching me suspiciously for weeks."

"Don't worry about it" James told him, a little too easily. "Harry! Don't touch that!"

Remus glanced in the direction that his friend was looking and saw the young boy making his way across the floor on hands and knees towards the fire. The little boy looked up and grinned at the sound of his father's voice.

"Hey Harry, look here."

Sirius raised his wand in a spectacular, over dramatic arc. "Expecto patronum!" and a large silvery dog came roaring from the end of it. Harry fell back on his diapered bottom, clapping his hands and laughing as the dog ran in circles around him. A minute late it had faded away and the child stared up at his godfather expectantly, the colorful flames forgotten.

The door opened and Lily entered, with Peter on her heels, traveling cloak still heavy on his shoulders. The smaller man was looking completely exhausted, with dark circles under his twitchy, bloodshot eyes.

"Where have you been?" Remus asked mildly, swirling the contents of his goblet absently. He noticed a flush rising in his friends cheeks as they all watched Lily cross the room, lift Harry into her arms and fold herself into the chair next to her husband, who threw his arm over her shoulders possesively. She threw him a glance but said nothing.

"I was just,um, out... busy...." Peter muttered, stumbling over his words and turning away. Sirius raised an eyebrow but James just shrugged. "Anyway... I should be going" Peter continued.

"But you just got here" Lily protested.

"Ya, I forgot..." and Peter was gone.

"Wonder what that was about?" Remus wondered aloud as the door closed behind the man. But his curiosity was not shared by the others. He looked around to find that Sirius had gone back to entertaining his godson, this time transforming himself into his dog animagus form. Remus laughed as his friend galloped around the room in a familiar show of canine behavior.

"You'll never have to buy the kid a pet" he pointed out as the large black dog curled into a ball in front of the fire and Harry buried his small face in the shaggy fur with a shriek of pleasure.

****

He watched Emmeline Vance closely from the other end of the bar as she spoke intimately with a dark man with short cropped hair and enough muscle mass to take out a building. They all seemed to have been created in the same mold.

"What can I get for you?"

He turned abruptly and found a young woman standing behind the bar waiting for his answer. She had a beautiful smile and long golden hair that fell past her waist. Her wide blue eyes watched him carefully.

"Oh, um, just a water. Thanks" he stammered uncomfortably, his focus shaken. The girl shruuged and went to fetch the drink.

"She's not impressed you know."

A second voice, next to him this time, startled him and he turned to find Alice pulling herself up onto the stool next to his, smiling at him with her usual mocking grin.

"Hows it going?"

Alice leaned around him slightly to see what was happening at the other end of the bar. "Everything looks like it's going well here."

The woman behind the bar placed his glass in front of him and slunk away. Alice laughed and swiped the glass from his reach flirtatiously, leaning towards him. Remus raised an eyebrow at her.

"She is so jealous right now" Alice whispered low in his ear, surprising him. He glanced up and saw the blue eyes dart away. "Whatever" he mumbled uncomfortably, scratching at his ear. Alice grinned wider.

"Thought you should know. Too bad I'm married, we could have taken this one farther."

"Except that were supposed to be working right now."

"Don't think I forgot about that" she replied smuggly, "Looks like were moving right now."

Sure enough, when he glanced around he saw that Emmeline was hand in hand with the large man, leading him through the door. She threw them both a look as she passed by.

"Lets roll" Alice whispered as their friend disappeared.

They stood and followed slowly, hands buried inconspicuously in the pockets of their cloaks until they had cleared the building.

"Taking your sweet time?" a gruff voice demanded as Moody joined them from the shadows. Alice turned briefly and stuck her tongue out at her mentor, who narrowed his eyes in return and motioned them to the head of the alley.

There was a bang and a flash of light. Remus lit his wand and the others followed suit as they made their way into the tight space.

"Damn death eaters" they heard Emmeline exclaim and a moment later she appeared, her cloak ruffled, her hair looking as if someone had pulled on it. "Dirty, horny bastard."

"Emmeline?"

"And where were you lot?" she demanded, shaking her head. "Well he's all yours now. I'm out of here, got other things to do" And with a wave and a crack she disappeared into thin air.

Moody kicked the stunned death eater with the toe of his boot. "She did a good job too" he said with a shrug. "Guess we'd better get him out of here before any of his friends come along looking for him."

"Hey, Remus" Alice said as they exited the alley, " I almost forgot. Lily said she was sorry you and Sirius were busy for Harry's birthday, but thanks for the present. She wants you to stop in when you can."

Remus nodded. "Right. Thanks. You know, I can help Moody out with the load if you want to shove off early" he offered, thinking of little Neville waiting at home with his grandmother as both his parents were out working.

Alice coughed and ran a hand through her hair, embarrassed. "Thanks, but thats okay."

"Are you sure?I don't mind."

"I know" she said with a sigh. "I just think maybe it wouldn't be the best idea for you to been seen at the ministry right now, you know..." She threw him an awkward, side long glance.

He stopped. "Oh, right. I forgot."

"I'm sorry Remus, it's just-..."

"I know, don't worry about it. I'll see you later."

He watched the two aurors as they readied themselves to disaparate with the stunned death eater between them. Alice offered him one last apologetic look before they disappeared as one and a minute later he was striding along the familiar lane into Godric's Hollow.


	19. Promise

"I don't know what your worrying about Moony." SIrius shook his shaggy head and clapped a hand down on Remus' shoulder in an attempt at a reassuring gesture. It might have been believable if he hadn't known his friend so well. The set of his jaw, the tightness around his eyes accompanied by the dark shadows.

"Oh, I don't know" he replied, with only a hint of sarcasm, doing his best not to take his frustrations out on his best friend. "I thought you might be concerned about the fact that an evil dark wizard is on the hunt for your one year old godson." He leaned back against the wall and watched as SIrius did some deep breathing. He knew it was cruel to provoke him or intensify his worries, but the seemingly relaxed composure that Sirius was putting forth, beyond anything that he could possibly manage himself was just too much. There was something to worry about. There was everything to worry about and there was no point in hiding it.

"We've cleared everything up already" SIrius told him determinedly, striding the length of the drafty room and waving his arms in the air dramatically as he spoke to emphasize his words. "I've talked to Dumbledore, Lily and James have talked to Dumbledore, it's all been set." His hand curled into a fist and dug into the other palm. Remus watched each action intently, noting the subtle differences in his friend from the time they had been at school. He knew that the war was having an effect on all of them and personally he could no longer stand to look in the mirror, why bother when all you saw was the monster.

"When?"

"As soon as possible, likely this weekend. You see Moony, everything will be great, no need to be so negative. Just relax."

"Thanks, but I'll relax when the fidelius charm is in place and everyone is hidden away where Voldemort can't get them. That means you too. Maybe you should stay with Lily and James for a while. You'd all be safe and I'd have less to worry about for sure."

"Sorry mate, Padfoot has more important things to do." His familiar cocky grin grated on Remus' nerves. "Right."

****

"Is there anything else you're going to need?" he asked, spilling a bag out onto the table.

"Lily?"

She turned from the sink slowly, unclenching her hands from the ledge. She hadn't seemed to notice him, but she offered a smile as she saw him, a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.

"Did you need anything else?" he repeated. She followed his gaze over the store of food that they had spread over the table and countertops. "You know, I think were good, for the next year or so" she said in surprise. "We may be going into hiding but we won't be completely isolated from the world you know. We will still manage to get food."

Remus shrugged, unapologetic.

"How did we get here Remus?" Lily asked suddenly and sharply. He waited for her to elaborate.

"Three years ago we were at school, we were kids, we were doing homework and pulling dumb pranks." A small smile spread on her face. "At least you lot were." The smile faded. "I don't understand how we get from there to here. Muggle borns are dying, my family is in danger. My baby..." she trailed off. Once again he had no real reply for her, but when she looked up again her features were composed and almost cheerful, with just a touch of the pressure and stress she was feeling hovering underneath.

"Remus?"

"hhmm?"

"If anything happens to me and James..."

"Lily, please, nothing-"

She held up a hand to cut him off. "Then no harm done. But. If something does happen."

"Alright."

"Will you make sure Harry is alright. And Sirius and Peter too. SIrius is Harry's godfather, but If something happened to us I don't know if he'd be able to take all that and the responsability of a child. Especially being Sirius."

Remus sighed deeply but couldn't repress his smile.

"And despite what you might think" she added. " I want you in Harry's life. No matter what. Promise?"

He rolled his eyes. "Of course I would help take care of Harry. Except that nothing is going to happen."

Lily's eyes narrowed threateningly. "I promise" he added quickly.

"Thank you" she said, ignoring his last comment, offering him a dazzling smile and giving him a tight squeeze.

"I leave you two alone for five minutes and you can't keep your hands off each other."

James was framed in the kitchen door in jeans and a grey sweatshirt, hair mussed beyond any previous state. He held his miny me balanced on one hip, the little boy's tiny thumb shoved between his chubby baby lips. At the sight of Remus he lifted both little arms in the air and kicked at his father. "Moo!" Harry shrieked excitedly.

James flinched as his son kicked him again and crossed the room to unload the little boy on his friend. Remus took Harry into his arms eagerly, inhaling the fresh baby scent.

"What's up Moony?" James asked casually, digging into a bag of food in search of something to eat. He came up with a loaf of bread, ripped a chunk from the end and threw it back in.

"Sirius filled me in. I wanted to see you guys in case I don't get a chance for a while."

It seemed ridiculous now that he was there in their warm kitchen, his friends within arms reach. And they would stay there, it would just be secret. Technically, he could see them whenever he wanted. James seemed to have the same idea. He gave his friend an exasperated look and went back to digging among the groceries. "It's not like were going anywhere. Ahah!"

James withdrew his hand triumphantly from the last bag and Remus saw the single bottle of firewhiskey clutched in his friends grasp. Lily raised an eyebrow at him and he smiled back sheepishly, turning his attention to Harry instead. The little boy grinned at him widely and squirmed in his arms, pulling on his sleeve, clearly having had enough of being held. Remus lowered him gently to the ground where he tottered away on uneven legs, glancing back at the adults every now and then to ensure that they were paying attention to him.

"I knew I could count on you Moony" James exclaimed as he held up the bottle in thanks and poured three glasses of the firewhiskey, passing them out. Remus took the offered glass and raised it before the others had a chance to drink. "To Harry Potter" he said proudly. They each drank.

"To the order of the phoenix" James continued.

"To the fidelius charm."

"Alright, enough already" Lily said finally as they downed their second round in honor of Dumbledore. She took the bottle and it flew up onto the top shelf where no one could reach it without magic.

"So I hear that Sirius bought Harry his first broomstick?" Remus asked conversationally, watching the empty glasses wash themselves beneath the water running from the tap.

"Sshh!" Lily snapped and he looked up to see her face twisted in horror, but it seemed to be too late. A few feet away, Harry had clearly heard them. "Brooom!" he screeched excitedly, making Remus flinch. James was grinning from ear to ear. "He loves that thing. He's going to be a great Quidditch player, probably play professionally when he's older" he said proudly. "Won't you?" he asked his son, tousling the baby's hair.

"He nearly murdered the cat!" Lily exclaimed, making both men laugh goonishly.

"BROOM!" Harry shrieked again, hanging off his father's arm.

An hour later Remus lowered a sleeping Harry into the bassinet next to the warm kitchen fireplace, brushing the mess of hair back from the little boy's face and tucking the blanket carefully under his tiny chin. Just to be sure, he leaned over and pressed his lips to the little boy's forehead.

"Do come again" James told him jokingly, pulling him into a one armed hug and ruffling his friends hair simultaneously with a manic laugh. Remus ducked out of reach and turned to Lily in turn.

"Take care" she said softly, squeezing his hand.

"You too."

"Don't forget about us here in the hollow" James threw in, a slightly forced smile on his face that didn't quite conceal his worry and nervous desperation.

"Good luck."

"Right back at you."

He paused at the gate and looked back at the warmly lit house. He could just make out his friends shadows moving behind the blinds in the living room, close together. He could picture them settling in for a quiet night. He could picture little Harry, asleep in his bassinet.


	20. Sense

"I can't believe your still riding this thing" Lupin said in awe as he circled the bike, running his hand over the familiar handlebars and the worn leather. SIrius had gotten the bike the same summer he had left home and they had spent two glorious months of freedom flying it wherever they wanted to go. At least it had seemed amazing at the time. By the same time the next year they had all passed their apparition tests and so the bike had spent a great deal of time under plastic. Now, Sirius caressed the bike fondly.

Remus forced his attention onto his friend instead. "What were you thinking? You can't ride this around. You might as well hang a target on your back" he said. "Death eaters aim here. Honestly!" he exclaimed as Sirius shrugged his shoulders in his usual unconcerned manner.

"Don't worry about me Moony. It'll be good to fly again, it's been a long time."

"And you choose now to get sentimental?"he demanded in exasperation, making Sirius laugh.

"Thought I'd make use of it before winter sets in. Besides, non of the death eaters know I've got it. Been riding it for weeks and I haven't been followed or fired at since."

He watched Sirius swing himself over the seat and settle in, tying everything together nicely as he pulled on his old leather jacket. "How do I look?" he asked, with a look on his face that said he didn't need to be told that the look suited him just fine.

Remus ignored his question. "Don't get yourself killed!" he yelled over the rumble of the motor as the bike started up.

"Yes mom!" his friend replied sarcastically. "Bye, Moony, I'll see you in the morning!"

Remus watched as the motorbike reached the end of the lane, passing the houses and nearing the water. And then with a haughty roar of the engine it lifted into the air. Sirius turned and waved once more, nearly crashing into the top of a tree as he attempted to show off. A few minutes later the bike disappeared into the clouds.

"Idiot" Remus muttered to himself. "It's a wonder he's not dead yet."

****

An hour later he glanced out the window, marking the size and position of the moon out of a life long habit. Reaching up to close the blinds, his eyes were caught by the sight of several muggle children, making their way past the house that was invisible to them. They were all decked out in costumes. Ghosts and goblins, and to his amusement even a creature that appeared to be a werewolf, though he wasn't sure whether he was mistaken.

He had never fully understood the muggle tradition of collecting candy and had never tried it as a child. Chuckling, he decided that someday he would dress Harry up and take him out, or at least make James do it.

The silence pressed in around him as he settled at the kitchen table with a bottle of butterbeer and the latest copy of the daily prophet. He didn't really want to know the latest about which wizards and muggles had been found dead or which child was the most recent victim to get bitten by Remus' enemy but he couldn't help himself but unfold the pages and begin to scan the long list of horrors that had all occurred in less than twenty four hours, since the news from the day before had come in. Another ministry worker discovered to be under the influence of the imperius curse, another man found wandering through diagon alley covered in blood and not sure how it got there, having broken out of said curse, another muggle family found dead, cause unknown to the muggle authorities. More of the same. Angrily, he tossed the paper across the room where it fell to the floor in a heap.

He took several steadying breaths and did his best to remember that there were some things left that were still good, still safe, mainly those hidden away in Godric's hollow. Pulling himself from his funk, he rose again and crossed to the window once more to look down on the gaggles of children flowing down the streets and across the lawns, singing loudly and raucously and calling out to one another and to the people in the houses, the bearers of the free junk food.

A young girl hurried up the street towards a group of friends who were waving to her. Her long braids hung down her back and she wore a set of wizards robes that were far more legitimate than those a few of her friends were sporting, not that they would know it in their bright purple outfits with the pointed hats, silver stars stitched on and spiders hanging on long, fake webs. They were clearly muggles, at least most of them were. He had no doubt that the girl was merely taking advantage of the holiday, the one night when she could go out in her robes without anyone asking questions.

He continued to watch her progress as she leveled with the front gate of the house. She paused hastily to adjust something in her pocket and then she froze, head snapped to the side in the direction of the house, looking right back at him through the window. For a long moment he wondered if the fidelius charm had been broken and he was visible to her but a moment later the girl had shaken her head, puzzled, and hurried on to her group of friends, sending one last glance over her shoulder as she went. She had to have sensed the strength of the magic that hung around the area. And if she could, then couldn't any witch or wizard, namely the death eaters?

With nothing else to do he made his way into an empty bedroom and threw himself down on top of the covers fully dressed, his mind on darker things, and spent several long hours tossing and turning on the bedspread as he dreamed horrible dreams, waking every few hours until the sun had replaced the moon in the sky and he gave up, dragging himself back into the kitchen. Another few hours and the house would be full of people again, getting off shifts with the order, others with the ministry. Sirius too was long overdue from the time he said he would arrive.

Remus dug into a cupboard for sustenance and threw his empty dishes into the sink when he was finished, where they set to washing themselves.

"I love magic" he told the air, trying to be positive despite the growing sense of helplessness that had begun to grow the night before and was now feeding off his energy and worry like some sort of virus. He did his best to shake it off but it was ever present at the back of his mind. Where was Sirius?

A bright burst of flame suddenly illuminated the shabby room, making him jump backwards in shock and cry out "Fawkes!" simultaneously as a single golden tail feather floated gently to the ground at his feet.

* * *

Not much happened in this chapter but it will next one. Please review, thanks to those who have already do but I would love to hear what more of you think. Hopefully will post another chapter tomorrow.


	21. Two worlds

The chapter you've all been waiting for. Thanks for the reviews. Will try to update again soon. Enjoy!

* * *

The school was exceptionally loud for an icy midafternoon, and colder than he could ever remember it being. Students milled about in large groups, talking and laughing, a catching energy passing from one person to the next.

"Did you hear?"

"Is it true?"

He had no idea what they were talking about but he was surprised to see them out of class.

He took the marble steps two at at a time as he followed the familiar pathway from the entrance hall to the headmasters office, his progress quickened by his use of secret passageways long forgotten and full of dust and his expansive knowledge of trick steps and walls pretending to be doors. He narrowly avoided an encounter with Peeves, side stepping into an empty classroom as the poltergeist went wizzing by, singing a song at the top of his lungs, the words indistinguishable to human ears.

Each step he took brought back memories of his school days, good and bad recollections of both his friends and their enemies, James and Sirius and Peter and the fun they had had. The classroom in which they had performed their first prank, the broom cupboard in which his friends had finally confronted him about his condition, where he had discovered that they did not judge him or hate him for it. The place he had stood the first time that he had ever been given detention. He could still recall the look of disappointment on McGonagall's face, that had faded over the years as she assigned them all detention after each prank, each incident.

He stopped on his way, turning to look out a window that overlooked the grounds, the lake, the forbidden forest, the tree that they had spent many an afternoon studying and fooling around beneath, the place he had sat as his friends once again tormented Snape, where Lily had been called a mudblood by someone that she had cared about, and he couldn't help but take in the whomping willow, so dominant over the grounds, and he was surprised that all he felt towards it was appreciation and not loathing as he pictured James and Sirius and Peter slipping beneath ground to spend another night with a werewolf. They had learned to be animagi in that ugly old shrieking shack and so he was grateful that for those short years of his life he had not been alone in his pain.

The laughter and cheers from the current students carried up to him through the open window. Despite the cold day, they seemed to have made their way onto the grounds. He watched the small groups briefly before turning away.

He reached Dumbledore's office and found himself facing the stone gargoyle with a slight feeling of guilt mixed with anticipation, as if he was a school boy again, sent to the headmaster to be punished. He shook it off with a laugh. It had been long enough since he had stood there last, beside his friends on the next to last day of their seventh year. They had certainly gone out with a bang, he remembered.

He didn't know the password to get into the office and looked around for someone to ask so he wouldn't have to start guessing but the stone began to move, the gargoyle leaping aside and the stairs descending slowly to his feet. He stepped forward and made his way up the stone steps to face the brass door knocker.

"Enter" Dumbledore's calm voice called out before he had a chance to make his presence known and the door swung open of it's own accord, bringing him into the office that had not changed one bit in the years since he had last seen it, walking through the same door. The headmaster sat behind his grand desk and looked up only when the door had closed again. The aged face was older and more exhausted than he could ever remember seeing it.

"Remus" Dumbledore nodded his greeting, waving his hand in indication that his guest should take the seat across from him. Remus did, his eyes traveling the walls, the photos, the books and the perch that was currently empty of the golden phoenix.

"You have news Albus?" he asked finally, curious as to why Dumbledore had called him there when he had never done so before, preferring to meet with all the members of the order at headquarters.

The older man nodded with the look of someone who wished to get something particularly painful out of the way. "The dark lord has fallen."

****

He was twenty one years old and his life was over.

He would never be able to forget the day that he lost everything, he would never forget the sensation, the disbelief, the pain. There was losing someone you loved, and then there was losing your entire life in one fell swoop.

He was face in hands, body numb, pain flowing through him, regret and anger, so much anger.

"How is that possible? How can everything have come down to this? And Sirius? Thats impossible."

He didn't really know what he was saying. He couldn't hear the words, he couldn't focus on the old man. It was impossible, there was no way, just a nightmare, a horrible nightmare. They had been through it a dozen times and he could still not comprehend, refused to believe that any of it was true.

"I see no other way Remus" Dumbledore told him, but he had no idea what it meant, what he was referring to. It didn't make any sense. He tried to breath, tried to imagine living his life without James and Lily and Peter, and even Sirius, because he could not believe that his friend, James' best friend, his best man, Harry's godfather, he could not believe that SIrius had betrayed his friends, betrayed them all.

"Remus."

His friends were dead. Voldemort had killed them with his own hand, and then he had tried to kill Harry but had been unable too. Nothing made sense.

"How?" he asked, knowing that Albus would understand, know what he was asking.

"I don't know Remus, we may never know."

The dark lord was gone. He had thought of this moment before, pictured the happiness and celebration that would follow. And now it was happening and there was nothing he wouldn't give for things to go back as they were. Another wave of shock overwhelmed him. Would he ever go a second without feeling the same pain, would it ever get better?

"You said they would be safe!" he said furiously, aiming his frustration at Dumbledore who looked completely unfazed at his sudden anger, as if he had been expecting it.

"Remus, you have to understand, I offered to be their secret keeper, they told me that Sirius would rather die then betray them."

"So it's their fault?!"

"Of course not, none of us expected this. We couldn't have known." The old man continued to speak in a calming voice that made him want to lash out even more.

"_I_ should have. He's my...he was my...they were-"

James and Lily and Peter. Dead. Sirius...

He had nothing left.

"I want to see Harry. I have to see him." He could hear the desperation in his own voice, as he fought for something to cling to, something to fight for. But was there really a point? Was there anything that really mattered anymore?

Dumbledore rose from his desk and turned his back on Remus, facing his window. The day beyond the glass was far too cheerful for everything that was going on. Remus wanted a storm, he wanted his pain and suffering to be understood. How could Sirius have done it? How was it possible that he hadn't realized what his friend was capable of? How could so many things change in such a short time?

"Harry will be safe."

"What?" He demanded.

"I have arranged for him to be taken to his aunt and uncles house and I have put several protective measures in place that will ensure Harry remains safe there until he is of age. "

Remus experienced a long moment of confusion before he realized what Dumbledore was talking about. "The muggles?" he spluttered furiously. "You can't send him there Albus, they hate our kind, the things that Lily has told me about them. How could you send him there?" he demanded. He was on his feet, his hands curled into fists at his side. Dumbledore turned and eyed him curiously.

"What do _you_ suggest?"

"Anything, but not that."

"But you would not take him yourself?"

"It's too dangerous, you know that. You know exactly what I am."

Dumbledore nodded slowly. "Yes, I do, and so I have chosen a place where Harry can be safe until he turns seventeen. And he will be safe there, I assure you. I could not give him to just anyone you know, I would not. It's important that he stays with family-"

"_I_ am the only family he has left."

Dumbledore took a moment to rephrase. "It's important that he stays with blood. The death eaters will be looking for him and every child in our world will know his name. He will be safe with Lily's sister."

Remus sat back down hard. Harry would be famous worldwide and was also in grave danger. He felt sick.

"You're saying that I_ can't_ see him?"

The apologetic look that he was offered did nothing to squelch the fresh wave of loss that rolled over him. Why hadn't he been to see his friends in the last few days? He had been so busy, yet there had been so much time, he could have seen them one last time and now he would never see them again, never talk to them, never laugh with them.

"I'm sorry Remus. Not now, maybe when he is older, he will want to meet you of course." Dumbledore's voice was quiet, regretful, but sure.

"And the order?"

"The order is no longer necessary, it will be disbanded."

He looked up again with a hollow laugh. "What do I have left Albus?" he asked, rising to his feet. He didn't expect an answer, maybe there was none. He turned to leave.

"Remus." He stopped but did not look back, hand curling firmly around the door handle. It was a strange place, this new world. There had been the world with Lily and James and Peter in it and then there just this, a new place. He didn't like this one at all. Here he had nothing. Nothing and no one, they were all dead or beyond reach. He wished that he was dead too.

"What will you do Remus? Where will you go?"

He thought about it for a second before he replied.

"I don't think it matters anymore" and he was gone before the headmaster could reply.


	22. Black hole

This chapter contains some excerpts from the seventh book. Lily and James' funeral. Nothing for Peter cause all they found was a finger, and he doesn't deserve one.

* * *

He had been happy there, once upon a time. Now, it seemed that the memory had been only a dream. He didn't want to be there, but he was drawn to the place against his own will, voices whispering to him seductively as he drew nearer, taunting him about all that he had lost.

The fidelius charm had lifted with the death of his friends.

The cottage was just as he remembered it, save for the gaping hole in the right side of the top floor. Lily had died there, had experienced her last moments of life, looked in her son's eyes for the last time. He could sense the death and abandon that lingered in the air, the chill that crept up his spine as he stood at the gate. Something horrible had happened here, it seemed to say. He reached out and put his hand on the gate, hoping for some connection to those who had died there.

A sign rose suddenly from the grass, making him jump back in surprise.

_On this spot, on the night of 31 october 1981,_

_Lily and James Potter lost their lives._

_Their son, Harry, remains the only wizard ever_

_to have survived the killing curse._

_This house, invisible to muggles, has been left_

_in it's ruined state as a monument to the Potters_

_and as a reminder of the violence_

_that tore apart their family._

The words were carved so lovingly into the stone, and yet it seemed so impersonal to Remus as he ran his hand over the words. Who had taken the time to do it? Had they even known Lily and James, did their deaths truly affect them beyond the relief that the dark lord had been vanquished?

He drew his own wand , thinking of all that the Potter's had given to ensure the life of their son, the chosen one, the last hope of the wizarding world. He felt the heat radiating in his skin as he added his own words to the stone.

_"Long live Harry Potter."_

He moved off quickly without looking back for an instant, following the familiar path to the center of the village towards his destination, along the lanes that he had walked so many times to see his friends.

But he was not ready for what he saw there either. It had once been nothing more than a monument to the muggles who had died in a war, at the very center of town, standing looking over the church and the quaint little shops that lined the roads. Now it was so much more.

He stood staring up at the statue; the man with the unruly hair and glasses, the woman with the long hair and kind, pretty face, staring down lovingly at the stone infant that she held in her arms. It was so strange, unnatural to see his friends, made of stone, when he knew them to be dead. He fought back the pain that he was feeling and continued past the little church, beneath the gate and into the graveyard.

He stood apart from the others, hidden in the shadows as dozens of witches and wizards paraded past the fresh graves, placing flowers on the mounds of dirt, some saying a few words that he could not hear. It felt so wrong to him, something that should never have taken place, a gathering of so many people, but the faces that he longed to see were not among them, would never be seen again. James, Lily, Peter. Sirius. He watched Dumbledore move silently past his friends graves and move on, past other stones to where Remus knew that the man's own family lay. Was it horrible of Remus to feel more strongly about the deaths of James and Lily than those of his own parents? He watched the mourners trickle away slowly until only those who should be there, who deserved to be remained.

"Remus?"

A hand found his, smaller and softer than his own. Alice looked up into his face, her eyes red, tear tracks fresh on her face. She reached out and hugged him and he let her, though it gave him little comfort.

"I'm so sorry."

He did not respond. He didn't want to talk about his loss, he didn't want it to be so very real. He wanted to wake up from the horrible dream. Alice was pulling his arm, leading him out from the cover of the trees. Others looked on, sympathetic, but relieved that it was not they who had lost so much. They joined Frank near the graves and he stood looking down at the names, trying to associate them with the two people that he loved so much, beautiful Lily and James.

"The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death" he read the words beneath the names and dates slowly, putting them together in his mind. "Why does it say that?"

Alice's hand was still warm in his. She shook her head. "They are still living in you, in all of us, and in Harry."

He reached out and touched the cold stone, the only connection between him and the bodies that had once breathed, talked, laughed, loved, lived.

"How is Harry doing Remus?" Frank asked from nearby, his voice distant. A gust of wind lifted, blowing leaves across the ground.

"I don't know."

Neither of them replied but he could sense the look that they exchanged. They had expected him to know, and so he should have, he should be with Harry, he should care for him, and love him and tell him everything about his parents, about the heroic Potter's who had given everything for him. Dumbledore had taken that from him, for the boy's protection.

"Remus, If you ever need anything. Were here you know, we want to help you."

He looked up into his friends face, forcing a look of gratitude that he knew would fool no one. Would Frank and Alice have done so much for their own son?

"I'm alright Alice, thanks." He hugged her once more, he shook Frank's hand, and then he moved off without another word to anyone, back out the gate into the square, past the church as the snow began to fall, without even a glance at the stone monument to his dead friends, and beyond. He knew then that he would never again return to Godric's Hollow.

****

He began to believe that Sirius too was dead. It was easier that way, easier to think of the young Sirius Black, rejecting his family. The gryffindor, the best friend, it was so much easier than knowing what his friend had done. As he packed his bags and took the photos down from the walls of the room that he had taken at headquarters. He had spent years there, wanting to save the world, to protect the unprotected and to make up for the burden that he was on the world.

He had been so naive.

It was sick really that he had been the only one to make it through it all. He was the least deserving, he was hardly a person. Lily and James had been so pure, so wonderful and selfless and loving, so full of life. They should have lived. His life was nothing compared to theirs, the things that they had to offer, the love they would have given their child, it was sick that they had died when Remus himself truly had nothing to give, nothing. It was perverse.

If Sirius was as dead as he imagined him, then he Remus was the last of the marauders. He would have never thought it possible, he would have never wanted it to be so.

He went through Sirius' room next, pulling out photos and letters from drawers and from under the bed. He took it all. Letters from Lily and James, photos from their school days, photos of the wedding, of Harry. He took the money that Sirius had hidden under his mattress and he took the jumper that Lily had made for Sirius for his birthday. He packed it all in his bag and he left without a word to those that were left behind. He walked out the door and down the street. He had no idea where he was going, only that he wanted to put as much space as possible between himself and the crumbled remains of his life.

****

His hands shook from the pain. The transformation from the night before had been one of the worst that he had ever experienced. Even as he wound his way back up the side of the mountain, the blood continued to drip from his face, the dirt drying in amongst the various wounds that scarred his body. His tattered clothing hung limply on his skinny frame. He found that the more down he was as a person, the worse the transformations were, but there was nothing he could do.

Reaching his shelter he threw down his bag and began to dig through the food that he had bought with muggle money down in the village. Bread and jam and chicken, nothing compared to the meals he had once eaten and yet he felt that he deserved no better.

The muffled hoot of an annoyed owl brought his attention away from his hunger and he looked around to find a grey tawny resting on a snowy rock nearby, the newest issue of the daily prophet clamped tightly in it's beak.

He said nothing to the bird as he took the paper, paid the fee and watched it fly away.

Remus turned and made to throw the newest issue to the corner, where the other's had already piled up over the previous month but as it fell to the earth the headline jumped out at him, making him reach for the paper again, a fresh sense of dread growing in him that was beyond any feeling he had allowed himself in the time since he had left his life behind.

_Known death eaters arrested in the torture of ministry aurors._

The photos underneath were painful to look at. He recognized the four evil witches and wizards, Sirius' cousin and Crouch's son among them. Nothing really shocked him anymore, nor did the article.

_Two aurors in critical condition after extensive torture for knowledge of the whereabouts of he who must not be named._

He read the article through three times before letting the words sink in. Frank and Alice would never be the same again. Just when the world was supposed to be safe, when family's no longer wondered if they would ever see their loved ones again. He wondered if it would ever really end.

They were still alive, technically, but as far as he could tell their son was another orphan of the wizarding war.

"If you ever need anything. Were here you know, we want to help you." Alice's last words to him echoed in his head. They were empty words and once again he had lost someone, been left behind, survived in the place of those who deserved life so much more than he did.


	23. Back to life

As ever, his friends swam in and out of his dreams, just out of reach, like smoke. He could feel them nearby, hear their voices talking to them, he could see their faces, hazy around the edges, fading away slowly into a mist that seemed to suffocate him. He heard a child scream and he knew, despite the intervening years that it was Harry that he heard, his friends son, all that remained of either of them and both of them, he hoped the best parts of each but he had no way of knowing.

James smiled sadly at his friend, a look so different from any that he had had in life, pity in his eyes. Lily held James' hand tightly and began to pull him away, into the shadows where Remus knew he would be unable to reach them. He heard voices whispering there, beyond the living world.

"James! Lily!" he called desperately. He would gladly accept death if only to be with them again.

And then they were back beside him, so close, and Lily was angry as she leaned close, bringing with her the long forgotten scent of freshly picked flowers.

"How could you Remus?" she demanded as they circled him, hostile, unfriendly, ghostly, ghastly white.

"I don't know what you mean" he pleaded. "It wasn't me, it was Sirius, he betrayed you!"

"We gave our lives, and this is how you show your appreciation for our sacrifice."

Lily' s voice was an angry hiss. "You promised me Remus. What about Harry?"

"No! No! I can't. I'm afraid. Everything, everyone... your all gone."

"Your alive, my friend, you need to live." James said calmly, his hands on Lily's shoulders in an old, familiar gesture.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He reached out a hand but no matter how hard he tried he could not reach them though they were so close. "I have nothing left."

"You have your life Remus. Live. Do it for us. Do it for Harry, he needs you."

"I'm not allowed to see him, I can't!"

"One day. One day you will be happy again."

"It's time Remus. You have grieved and now you must move on. It's time...it's time..."

The voices were fading, the faces hazy, vacant expressions as they drifted away.

"How?" he called after them, but it was too late and he found himself coming awake. He was breathing heavily as if he had run a marathon, his blood was boiling. He reached up and ran a hand over his face, feeling the tears there.

How could he do what they asked? How could he return to a life in which he had nothing and no one? It was all gone, too late. There was nothing left for him, no happiness, no care. To the remaining wizarding world he was simply a werewolf, deserving of nothing more than the life that he had forced upon himself for the past five years.

He dragged himself to his feet, stretching out the aches and pains that burned in his muscles. The words from his dream came back to him forcefully as if they were being yelled in his ear. It's time! It's time! But how do you go about getting your life back when you have nothing and no one? How was he supposed to return to the wizarding world and slip back into his old identity?

Years of spontaneous travel had taken him all over the world. He had learnt many things about both muggle and wizard kind, and yet in the same way he had managed to keep himself completely isolated and alone without building any connections with others, the way it should be.

It had been better for him that way. If you have no one to care about then there's no one that will end up hurting you. He had been foolish once, and so he had lost everything. Would he be willing to give up all the good times in order to rid himself of the constant ache of the loss?

And what about Harry? He remembered Lily's words, as she had stood beside him in the kitchen in Godric's Hollow, smiling down at her infant son, back when it had seemed that everything would work out for the better. He remembered the promise he had made her, that he would be in Harry's life no matter what. But that had been before and things had changed. And yet he knew that one day, sooner or later, he would meet Harry Potter, because he was James' and Lily's son and Remus knew that he owed them that much, even in death.

"It's time."

****

He had spent five years carefully avoiding any reminders of his friends and of another life, one in which he had meant something to someone. Even standing in front of the old hospital brought back many memories that he had thought had been forgotten. Laughing with James and Sirius as they lay in hospital beds after a fight with death eaters, back in the early days when it was all fun and games, showing up the other team, when it was a competition to see who could take out the most death eaters instead of a fight to stay alive, to protect your infant son from his intended death.

Lily in the hospital with Harry in her arms and a glowing smile on her face. Remus' own dislike for the place was intensified tenfold with every memory that each footstep brought back, including those of another hospital, in a school, where he had spent a great deal of time in those days, recovering from the full moon, his friends beside him as always.

He drew his hood up and over his face, hoping to hide the frightful look that he had developed in the years since he had bothered with his appearance. He bypassed the front desk, winding his way through the corridors from memory, focusing on directions and the voice in the elevator that announced the floors.

The doors opened once more and Remus froze, a familiar face staring up at him curiously with bright eyes but it was no one that he had ever met, just so like his mother's that Remus didn't need to be told that it was little Neville Longbottom, cluthing tightly to his grandmothers hand. The old woman coughed impatiently and Remus jumped, pulling his hood lower over his eyes. He stepped around the pair and out of the elevator, turning in time to see the door closing. Neville raised a hand and waved cheerfully, a look of childish innocence on his young face.

He took several long moments to collect himself, to force himself not to think what he was thinking, but he couldn't help it. There was nothing he could do to stop the image from forming in his head. Another six year old boy, with bright, almond shaped green eyes and a shock of black hair that was never tidy or neat. A smile of mischievous guilt. And of course the famous scar. He felt a wave of longing so strong that it was as if it was own child that he had not seen for so long.

'Who else does Harry have?' he thought to himself but the answer was not a pleasant one. Like him, little Harry Potter had no one, not even him, because Remus had not tried hard enough to ensure a place in the child's life, and so the boy had been given to the muggles and though he trusted Dumbledore and knew that he himself was in no way fit to care for Harry, he had made a promise to Lily, and so far it had gone unfulfilled . And what were the muggles like? Lily had not spoken of them kindly. Would they tell Harry that his parents were heroes or did they treat him like a freak, a feeling that Remus himself was more than familiar with. An unfounded anger swept through him, the life that Harry had, the life that he himself had, compared to those they would have had if James and Lily had lived.

He avoided the nurse carefully, slinking down the line of beds quietly. He couldn't help but think it might be a relief to be insane, to not understand what was happening or what had been lost. And then he found them.


	24. Better off dead

Their vacant smiles and empty eyes taunted him and he wondered why he had come. What was the point when they didn't know him? They weren't the Frank and Alice who had stood by him, watched his back. Alice's smile swam in his memories, her loud but pleasing unapologetic laughter. Frank's courage and speed, his wand flashing through the air, his face serious as he fought back death eaters, and when they had all fallen, the slow smile that spread on his face, satisfaction for a job well done.

The two of them, so happy, so strong, the aurors, the couple, the parents and friends. They were no more, replaced with empty shells, beyond their years and the lives they had once lived.

Remus eased himself down on a chair, just far enough away, as if his old friends were contagious. Alice stared back at him calmly, curiously, a childish expression on her face, not a flicker of recognition in her hollow eyes. He shouldn't have come.

She began to hum tunelessly, watching for his reaction. He tried to smile at her, only then noticing the heat on his cheeks as tears ran freely for the first time in a long time. Alice's expression shifted, her humming stopped, and she rose from the bed and crossed to him, hunched and shuffling like an old woman. Remus did his best not to draw away as she reached him and touched his face with the palms of her hands. He remembered the last time he had been so close to her as she had held his own hand in the cemetery, promised him something. It was hard to believe that this person standing before him had anything to do with that beautiful young woman.

He stared back up at her as she looked down at him, and wiped a hand over his face, drawing back into himself.

"Who are you?" he asked. All he wanted was a flicker of the friend he had once known, some hint that the real Alice was lurking somewhere below the surface.

"Alice?" He looked from her, then at Frank who lay motionlessly on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, seemingly unaware that he was not alone.

"You don't deserve this" he said angrily, his voice shaking. "You should have died, and been remembered and respected as the heroes that you were, not pitied as you rot in this hospital. You should have died."

He couldn't even have imagined what he would have done had Lily and James ended up like them. It was worse than death, he would never have wanted to see them like that, to have their son see them like that.

He stood, pushed past Alice to the farthest bed and lay his hand on Frank's shoulder. He could see the long scar that wound it's way down the man's neck and beneath the collar of his robes. Remus had been there when Frank had received it, from dark, incurable magic, his life barely spared. Perhaps he should have died then.

"Goodbye Frank." No reaction. He turned and found Alice beside him again, so close, her dark eyes wide. She reached out and slid her small hand into his empty pocket, searching, but finding nothing. As she withdrew it, tears began to well in her eyes. She moved to her bed and dug beneath the pillow, coming up with a handful of wrappers that appeared to be from a variety of sweets. She held them out to him but when he made to take them she withdrew her hand quickly. He realized then that she had expected a treat when he had come, all she was thinking of was having more sweets.

He was right, they were better off dead. Hell, he was too.

"Goodbye Alice" he said finally and turned roughly on his heels, swinging down the hospital wing, startling the nurse as he passed by and nearly knocking an older man who was babbling to himself to the ground. He didn't look back once.

****

He was glad for the darkness as he entered the old pub, with its filthy walls and sketchy characters, people who he would never have to explain himself too. He moved through the tables and down the bar, thinking only of having a good strong drink, trying to push everything else from his mind. The visit had been a bad start to his return and he doubted it would get any better. He settled himself on a stool, giving the room a good once over, noting each of the other patrons, an old habit raised by years of horror and a need for vigilance. Constant eye's voice echoed in his head. He caught the bartenders eye, and a moment later a large frothing glass was set down before him. He nodded again in thanks.

Clunk. Clunk. Clunk.

The dull sound was unmistakable. He drew the cold liquid between his lips, nearly gagging on the foul taste, he despised muggle drink. A man wearing a heavy cloak settled on the stool next to him and reached into his cloak. The flask squeaked as the lid was twisted off and the man took a long drink. The bartender shot a look of annoyance at them both but said nothing and moved on.

Remus took another drink and once again made a face.

"Foul, isn't it?" Moody asked casually as if it had been hours since they had last spoken as opposed to years.

"Moody" he acknowledged.

"I heard a rumor you were back."

"Ya."

"How've you been?I heard you were traveling."

"I guess you could say that. You?"

"Still with the ministry, though not for long. Everyone there thinks I'm crazy and paranoid."

Remus almost smiled. "Imagine that."

"You were at the hospital."

"Ya, I was."

"You look like crap."

"And you look like a fairy princess" he replied sarcastically.

Moody grunted in reply and took another swig from the flask.

Remus felt something hot and angry rising in him that he had been repressing for some time. He turned to the older man who gazed back at him expectantly, but before he could say a word Moody had thrown some muggle change down on the counter and risen from his stool. He nodded to the door and turned to leave, expecting Remus to follow his orders as he once had in the order of the phoenix, and so he did.

The night air was bitter but not cold. The sketchy street was dark, with human shadows in the distance and old abandoned buildings on all sides besides the dodgy pub. They walked in silence for a moment but Remus could feel the words fighting their way out, full of anger and loss and blame.

"How could you have let that happen?" he demanded furiously, "How can you let them live like that? It's not really them anymore, Mad Eye, you do know that don't you? Their empty, their gone! And you let them rot in that hospital when they should be dead. It would be better if they were dead!"

Moody was nodding absently, his electric blue eye invisible as it was rolled back in his head. His voice was calm when he spoke, unattached. Remus knew he had been close to both the aurors, had trained Alice himself, he had been her mentor, her friend and her confidante.

" Alice and Frank died a long time ago. No part of them that we ever knew is left in those bodies or those minds. Two of the best aurors ever born gone to waste, two of the best people. All that loss, and just when we thought it was over, that we could breath again... Your right, they deserved to die honorable deaths and rest peacefully, but those shells are all their family has left of them."

"And it's worse than nothing!"

Moody shrugged but Remus knew that they were in agreement. The auror hated to see them like that as much as he did, but what was there to do about it? He knew that even if he had a chance, he would never be able to take their lives, even to end their misery.

"They aren't Alice and Frank, Moody."

"No."

They continued in silence, Remus thinking of the injustice in the world, the loss. His friends, both the dead ones and those who were as good as.

"Where are we going?" he asked finally.

"You staying someplace?"

"Not really."

"Well, you can take my spare room for a couple days."

They walked on in a companionable silence for a while longer, winding down streets and through alleys, Moody's wooden leg continuing to make it's muted clunking sound against the road.

"Maybe I should have stayed away" he said eventually. "I don't know why I came back, I could have stayed in America, I know wizards there, I could have started over anywhere, away from all of it." He didn't need to say what he meant by "it".

Moody just grunted.

"I don't know why I came back..." he repeated. He was afraid of being back, especially after the day he had had, afraid of what every move brought up, that every place he went would be full of memories, would be as different and horrible as it had been with Frank and Alice. And yet he had come back when he could have stayed away.

Moody stopped suddenly and turned to him and Remus realized that they had arrived at the auror's house, but Moody was watching him with both eyes fixed in his direction. He shook his head slowly and then in one sharp movement he raised a scarred hand and gave Remus a sharp slap to the back of the head. Remus blinked in surprise as Moody turned away and clumped up the path towards his house.

He sighed. "I needed that" he admitted, following.

Moody chuckled roughly. "I know."

And they both knew something else, that he had come back for a reason, for Harry, and that no matter what happened, and no matter how much better off the little boy would be without Remus Lupin in his life, there was no way that he could stay away from James and Lily's son.

* * *

Sorry, I know it's been a super long time, I've been busy, but now it's winter break and I hope to get some writing in.


	25. Two Boys

How could he have been so selfish? The setting sun lit up the silent suburban street with warm, sleepy light, casting shadows among the leafless trees and well kept houses that lined the subdued avenue, creating an almost perfect picture, orange and yellow leaves strewn across the asphalt, though each lawn had been raked clear. Funny little ceramic garden gnomes with jolly waistbands, white beards and pointed hats stood in empty garden beds, so unlike their real counterparts, and a chilling breeze blew, of the kind that made one think fondly of curling up in front of a warm fire with a good book and a stiff drink. It was all perfectly monotonous and comfortable, and he had not a glance nor a thought to spare for any of it, for his eyes were fixed quite intently, not on the neat houses or the perfectly respectable cars, but on the small, scrawny, disheveled looking boy with the dark, messy hair and taped glasses, the threadbare clothing that he wore several sizes too large, with the sleeves and legs rolled up past his boney wrists and ankles, and although it was long past the carefree days of summer, the child's feet were bare none the less as he perched, shivering, on the low wall outside of the house that he belonged too, his chin resting on his knees as he hugged his legs to his chest, the thin red scar standing out clearly on his pale forehead, all of it making Remus hate himself all the more.

After everything that James and Lily had done for him, he had done nothing in return, he had failed them. What would Lily say if she knew that her beloved son was neglected and unloved? And what would James do if he learned that his pride in life was being raised by the worst kind of muggles, that Harry, like Remus, had likely not been happy in eight years, and what would they say...what would they think were they to know that he had done nothing to stop it, nothing to preserve and protect the only part of them that he had left to cling to, that he had let Harry go as simply as though the boy had been lost along with his parents on that horrible night, that he had simply let Dumbledore whisk the child off and out of the way, that he had let it all happen, had betrayed them as surely as Sirius had?

He wished he had a real reason to be there, or simply that he didn't understand perfectly why Harry Potter spent each saturday night perched on the edge of the wall of number 4 privet drive, staring down the street as though waiting for something, perhaps for someone to come and rescue him, take him away from the aunt and uncle who had never wanted him, and the cousin who could do no wrong in his parents eyes.

Like Remus he was an outcast, an inconvenience, and he was beginning to look so like his father that each time Remus caught sight of him he was taken back almost two decades, to a time when he had first laid eyes on another dark haired little boy, but a vastly different one. James had always been well cared for, with that unmistakable air of someone who was loved, even spoiled, and a mischievous grin that would never fail to make one wonder what he had done wrong. He had been everything a lonely little boy dreamed of in a best friend. Loyal, brave and entertaining, James had served as the turning point in Remus' life. And perhaps Harry could have been the same, had things not changed, perhaps he would have been the happy, healthy little boy that his father had once been, but Remus had yet to see him smile, had hardly made out any expression at all on the small face that he could only watch from a distance, as the emerald green eyes that had sparkled with interest and delight so long ago stared out dully at a world that he would never belong in, unaware that he was not as alone as he believed himself to be, that unknown to him, someone who loved him very much stood so near, despising himself for what he had allowed to happen to the only remaining Potter.

As Remus turned away once more, glancing up at the thin slice of moon just visible in the darkening sky, he was furious at himself once more for turning his back on the boy, knowing full well that he would do it again as soon as he had the chance to see him again, and he did his best to be comforted by the fact that it was a mere three years before Harry would get his letter and be brought back into the world in which he truly had a place, and perhaps then...


End file.
